Thursday, August 27, 2009

Recent revelations and sub-revelations

  • Adults shouldn't have to say words like "panini," "sammy," or "yummy."
  • If you think you're good enough, maybe you'll be just that. If you think you aren't, maybe you can be great.
    • Here are the particular memories which have led me to this startling conclusion:
      • When I tried out for the track team in 10th grade I was sprinting, and then suddenly for the first time ever asked myself if I could go any faster, and found out that I could, a lot.
      • When I was in 4th or so grade I was in music class and was singing along all bored when I realized by controlling my throat and mouth I could actually sing the actual pitches I had theretofore falsely imaginined myself to be singing.
  • Somehow every previous time I listened to Bach's St. Matthew's Passion I just thought it was "pretty good."
    • Bach, as I have recently been told, as paraphrased by me, said writing invertible counterpoint was easy-- he would just talk to God and write down the conversation.
      • Bob Uecker, on the other hand, said catching a knuckleball is easy-- all you have to do is wait until it stops rolling and pick it up.
      • Charlie Lau, on the other other hand, said there were two theories on hitting the knuckleball, but unfortunately neither of them works.
  • Doing the dishes is actually pretty easy, plus then you have something clean to put your food on.
    • Example: eggs.
  • The right music, editing, and narration can make you feel sorry for planemos that have been kicked out of their solar systems by gravitational conflicts.
    • "...They're by themselves" -- a real honest-to-God scientist, not some wistful poet.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The lottery: fuck it

Have you ever noticed that the only people you ever see wasting their money on the lotto is usually really poor people? Plus how many times have you been at a checkout counter waiting to buy like a beef jerkey and a four-pack of Stag, but first you have to wait for someone to buy ten scratch-offs, do them right there, cash in the $4 they won, buy four more, do them right there, cash in the $3 they won, buy three more, do them right there, cash in the $1 they won, buy one more, do it right there, cash in the $1 they won, buy one more, do it right there, bust, fish in their pockets for another dollar of change, buy one more, do it right there, cash in the $2 they won, buy two more, do them right there, cash in the $1 they won, buy one more, bust, fish in their pockets but come up short of a dollar, look around to see if anyone in line looks like they might give them a quarter, then see how everyone is impatient (either to buy their beef jerkey and Stag or to go cash in the $3 they won on scratch-offs) and finally shuffle off after taking like a full minute to count and recount their change and put it back in their pocket?

Wait I started out pissed but now I am just sad because I accidentally remembered the scratch-off buyer's essential humanity, damnit. But still, fuck the lottery.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

"Put your tits on the table"

This is a new phrase I'd like to hear used in earnest. It means to assert oneself, like "damn, girl, you really went out there and put your tits on the table tonight." Or it means to be really frank and up front about one's business, like "Ok, let's just all sit down, put our tits on the table, and see where the cards land," or "all right, bitch, you talk a big game, whyn't you put your tits on the table and let's see what's what."

The great thing is that I mean as far as I know it seems like people don't really literally put their tits on the table that often, so this metaphor doesn't have that messy overlap with the literal that can really ruin a phrase for everyone, especially foreigners.

This is a new website concept I thought of yesterday where users would submit small sound files, and people would vote on whether what they were hearing was a fart or a trombone. Also I think it would be funny if every once in a while it would be Chewbacca.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

The local farmers' market: fuck it

I finally got my ass out of bed early enough to go to the little farmer's market in my neighborhood, all excited to buy some basics and maybe some bacon or something. But no. All the food is twice as expensive as the grocery store. That is not why I go to a farmers' market. That is the opposite of why I go to a farmers' market. I guess some people do though, because it was packed with people and dogs, despite the heat. Guess I'm stuck riding to the big one, where I can get three onions for a buck and some asparagus for 75 cents, instead of almost tripping over six dogs so I can not pay four dollars for a tiny purple potato.

Friday, August 07, 2009

How to make me hate your bar 101

  • Be located in a pain in the ass sort of place
  • Don't give bands free drinks, or even drink discounts, or even one free drink out of shame at your stingy ass
  • Get your sound guy to tell me how to use a microphone
  • Kick me out of an empty bar stool because apparently like an hour ago someone ordered food there and now wants to eat there
  • Have the sound completely and totally suck
  • Oh also could you make it all hot and muggy and fill the place with annoying cocks in white caps?
  • Congratulations, now I hate your bar!
  • Maybe if you suck my balls I will ever go there again!

SFFSP Episode 12: Breakfast sandwich of the gods, if the gods ate breakfast (I have it on good authority that they do not)

  • Have a barbecue where someone leaves some hamburger buns
  • Hardboil some eggs that are pretty old but not too old
  • Cut up an avocado and I like to squirt some lime juice on there
  • Wash off a couple pieces of romaine lettuce
  • Put some spreadable cheese (laughing cow or that like armenian knock-off) and some mayo (for once in my life not miracle whip but mayo) on those buns
  • Cut up the eggs and probably hit them with some salt and pepper
  • Put all those shits together in whatever order you see fit; I'm not one to tell a man how to stack his sandwich, that shit is PERSONAL, but for me, from top to bottom, it was like this:
    • bun
    • mayo
    • lettuce
    • eggs
    • avocados
    • cheese
  • Oh my sweet lord it is delicious

Figure 12: How are you to know whether the cow, whose earrings are a packaged cheese product, is laughing at you.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Dear everybody,

I am sorry that I never go out with you anymore. I am really really poor and also I am seriously always working on these movies, plus I have a girlfriend and forget what bars are for in the first place. Maybe we can hang out after the two big shows on September 27th and October 31st. By then I bet I have a little dough too so like we can go to a bar or a show or something. Also I will get you back for those beers you bought or for that time when you paid for a pizza that I ate some of. It'll be fun. I hope you will still be my friends, everybody. I miss you.

Matty Lite