Tuesday, March 03, 2009

The cutest in medical terminology

I broke my toe. It's the first bone I've ever broken. It hurt and it turned all blue. It is the second from the left on my left foot. My "ring toe," as you might call it. I wouldn't call it that, though, because I mean when am I ever gonna wear a ring on my toe, you know?

Well I don't know if you've heard, but there isn't much they will do for your broken toe if you go to the hospital. Even WebMD admits it, and usually they are great at convincing you a muscle cramp is leprosy and a cold is lupus (who agrees with me that WebMD is a scam to try to get more people to go to the doctor?).

Figure 12: It's never lupus

Instead, they recommend the cutest-sounding medical procedure on the books: the "buddy tape." This is the process of taping your broken toe to the toe next to it, so they can be "buddies" (I got a certified nurse's assistant to help me with this part; as far as I can recall it went something like this).

Naturally I spent the day imagining the fun times my "ring" and middle toes were having together now that they were buddies. In my mind my toes were like two adorable kittens that had been taped to one another.

Figure 12: What my full complement of left-foot toes would look like if they were five adorable kittens duct-taped together

The only downside to the buddy tape is it made it hurt less to walk, so I wasn't able to limp around and pretend I was House anymore.

Figure 12: Never forget