Monday, April 28, 2008

Shitty Food for Shitty People

Episode 12: Special Guest Nachos

Title music (over a beat based on a sample of Easy Livin')
Uh, Uh, Uh,
Shitty food for shitty peeps
this shit is givin' me the creeps
yo how you gonna cook some pita bread
's staler than last years' Peeps
yo how you gonna cook potato soup
without no goddamn leeks

yo tell me how much dishes
I should wash up out the sink
don't mean a thing's expired
just because it got that stink

put that bacon in a coffee filter
& stir it while it steeps
we cookin' up some bacon broth
Shitty food for Shitty Peeps

Yo fire up that CD player
put on some Uriah Heep
I got some shitty food I need
to make for some shitty peeps

Tonight we got special guests in the house. We got a dude who used to work at a restaurant, we got a dude who eats all kinds of healthy shit, and we got me. We just got done playin' some poker. Nachos is the order of business. We got some beans leftover that already made ten bowls of beans and rice, fifteen burritos, and some art. We got colby-jack AND cheddar in spades. We got three kinds of salsa and some pussy hot sauce.

[Tracking shot: walk to gas station for nacho chips. Shit, no nacho chips. Doritos? Fuck it. Fritos? Yes. Five bags please, 'cuz we doin' this.]

-Have some leftover beans that are already really good. So good.
-Heat them up while someone goes and buys nacho chips.
-Make sure they go somewhere where they will be out of nacho chips and they will have to buy five bags of fritos instead.
-Heat up the oven too, during that time. 375 or so.
-Put four bags of Fritos in a jellyroll pan.
-Pour heated up beans on there.
-Put a bunch of cheese too. Grated cheese.
-Also salsa, hot sauce, that tomato sauce you can get in little cans that is basically like enchilada sauce I guess but my Spanish isn't that good anymore.
-Put more cheese on there.
-The kicker: crush up the last bag of Fritos and make a crust with it. It is basically a casserole kind of idea you got goin' here.
-bake it. Ten, fifteen minutes, til the top fritos are all browning up nice.
-Wash some spoons and sit around a table and just eat the shit outta that shit.

Don't try and tell me this is "frito pie." Don't try to tell me that.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Matt Morris

Matt Morris got cut by the Pirates. I always liked him as a pitcher, and as a Matt. There were very few famous Matts in sports when I was a kid. Looking back into baseball history, the closest thing might have been Matty Alou, but he retired before I was born. Nowadays you can't throw a plastic beer bottle onto the field without hitting a Matt-- just talking more well-known players, you got your Holliday, your Clement and Cain, your Lawton, Belisle, & Murton, & plenty more. Matt Morris really opened the door for Matt to be an acceptable name for a baseball player. I thank him for his courage.

Figure 12: The Man Himself, back when he was a Cardinal

Figure 12b: Wisdom
"I'm proud of my career. I didn't mean or want for it to end this way. I've always said the other team will let you know when you're done."

Monday, April 21, 2008

you can also make it with salami

The C.U.P. w/ T.H.M.C. on P, that is. Instead of cut-up pizza. But if you use salami, I would recommend no hot sauce, less salt, and mix some miracle whip with the top hummous. Also maybe even put a pickle in there and roll it up instead of cooking it flat. Also don't shred the cheese, just cut it up. Also, it doesn't really actually taste what you would call "good."

Also, it should be pointed out that there exists no conceivable situation in which the title of this entry is not true.

Example usage:
A father might use it as a conciliatory statement to a child who didn't get what they wanted for Christmas.

C.U.P. w/ T.H.M.C. on P

(Cut-Up Pizza with Tabouli, Hummous, & Melted Cheese on Pita)

-When you go get some falafel or something, also get a bag of pita bread and containers of hummous and tabouli, but don't eat it all.
-Order a pizza and eat most of it the day before. Mine had black olives. What will yours have?
-Cut up the last two pieces of the leftover pizza. Just the inner parts, forget the crust, or eat it to tide you over while you're "cooking."
-Oh yeah, preheat the oven to about 350 or 400 or so.
-Spread some hummous on a pita bread. Good hummous. Smooth hummous.
-Put the cut-up pizza on there and spread it out.
-put a bunch of tabouli on top, and also shred some cheese on there.
-maybe some hot sauce too? And spices? Go with it, man Just go with how you feel.
-spread hummous on another pita and put it over top as a lid. Smoosh it down on there good so it compacts everything a little and kind of almost forms a seal.
-rub some olive oil on the top (I heard that helps make stuff crispy) and put salt and pepper on there too. Especially salt.
-Put it in the oven until it gets sort of crispy and the cheese is all melty. If it is too bendy to eat with your bare hands, you didn't cook it long/hot enough.

more on the earthquake

Earthquakes don't happen too much here. When they do they aren't the kind of thing you immediately recognize and call "earthquake." Instead, your mind is lost for a while, it is desperate and it is grasping at straws. The kinds of straws your mind grasps at in these situations can tell you something about your mind, and your mind can tell you something about you. Everybody I talked to had their own play-by-play list as to what the hell they thought was going on. Here's a good one.

Friday, April 18, 2008

What in the hell--a motherfucking earthquake.

There was an earthquake here last night around 4 AM (yes, last night, and fuck you for being one of those people who gets all self-righteous and tries to tell me 4 AM is techically today, that's not how I use those words). It was 5.2 on the Richter scale. That means nothing to me, I'll have to consult some 'Fornians and see if that gets any respect. But I can tell you it was confusing as hell. First I thought a truck was going by. Then I thought the janky upstairs back porch was finally falling off the building. Then I thought my upstairs neighbor was having a kind of sex I didn't know was even possible. Then I thought maybe there was a tornado. Then I thought it might be an earthquake. Then in my grogginess I became convinced it was the shockwave from a huge explosion, perhaps nuclear, perhaps in NY or somewhere, perhaps some terrorists who decided to kill the pope, since I think I saw him on the front page of the paper, which probably means he is coming to America? I couldn't sleep so I turned on the radio and found out it was an earthquake. Then I found out that the most boring thing in the world is to listen to people call and talk about a mild earthquake. There's really just not that much to say.

Monday, April 14, 2008

In my older age I have figured out these things about spring.

I don't remember ever caring about the seasons that much when I was younger. I don't remember feeling all that different in the winter compared to the summer. I knew old people liked to talk about the seasons as though they made that much of a difference, but I always just though that was old-people talk. Well now I have a little age, a little wisdom, and I realize:

-In the spring I really do get extra horny.
-Two of the seasons' names are verbs (Spring, Fall), and two aren't, and there's a way that makes sense.
-It really is pretty when stuff starts having flowers on it. For real.
-In the spring it really does rain a lot. That isn't just something they say. Last week it rained for like 62 hours straight.
-In the spring I have vast reserves of hyper energy, even more than usual.
-Springtime always seems like a good time to produce stuff. I mean to toil at something that leaves a tangible result.
-Some kind of plants that bloom in the spring can elicit an immediate, fixed emotional response. E.g. redbuds=wistful.
-Girls who were already beautiful look even more beautiful in the springtime. This is not just a clothes thing, or a corollary to spring fever, I am convinced this is some sort of chemical factor with the air and the skin.
-There is something different in how light diffuses, or else something different about our eyes, or maybe both. I think if you didn't know if it was fall or spring you could tell by looking at anything.
-Certain types of music sound better a little quieter in spring.
-People's hair looks better in the spring. Also the spring wind blows people's hair differently, and it looks great. People look great in the spring.
-The springtime is the hardest time to collect and focus one's hate. That shit just doesn't seem to matter as much in the spring.
-It feels way better to get really really hungry before you eat in the spring. I think this may be a learned response to poorly planned BBQs that turn out just right.
-My heart will be stolen and my breath taken by a girl walking in the spring. She won't know she has stolen my heart and taken my breath. This will happen up to seven times on a spring day, each time as catastrophic as the last.
-One thinks more with one's hands in the spring. Take that how you want, I give it honestly and lewdly.

Friday, April 11, 2008

My new skills

Can you construct an equilateral triangle on a given finite straight line?
Can you place a straight line equal to a given straight line with one end on a given point?
Can you cut off from the greater of two given straight lines a straight line equal to the lesser?
Can you bisect a given rectilinear angle? How about a given straight line?

I can. I can do all that shit, man. Just gimme a compass and a straightedge. No, not these kinds:

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

I guess I been meanin' to learn a little geometry.

I'm gonna go buy a compass and protractor and just go to town with Euclid's Elements. I feel like if you are a man, and you like geometry, you have to do that, at least once. You must do it alone. You can't take anything with you. Except your compass and protractor. And I suppose some paper, pencils, maybe some gatorade and beef jerky in case you get hungry. You have to just work through the whole thing in order, just work through it real slow and hand-draw out all the figures and proofs even when they seem obvious.

I don't know, I guess I just got excited reading about Reuleaux triangles and toruses and tetrahelixes and such, plus there is the matter of this beloved Achewood strip.

I will let you know how it goes. I will tell you how smart it makes me feel. I will tell you if it makes me lose weight and develop a healthy glow to the skin on my face and also my back.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

The Internets' Preferences

I'm probably late to the party, but have you heard of this site where you can pit two keywords together and see which one wins the Internet?

Here's a result that may shock you:

But on the other hand...

Monday, April 07, 2008

How was your weekend?

Mine was great.

Friday, April 04, 2008

What? No way.

This is incredible.

It reminds me of this:

P.S. I hate birds.