The cutest in medical terminology

I broke my toe. It's the first bone I've ever broken. It hurt and it turned all blue. It is the second from the left on my left foot. My "ring toe," as you might call it. I wouldn't call it that, though, because I mean when am I ever gonna wear a ring on my toe, you know?

Well I don't know if you've heard, but there isn't much they will do for your broken toe if you go to the hospital. Even WebMD admits it, and usually they are great at convincing you a muscle cramp is leprosy and a cold is lupus (who agrees with me that WebMD is a scam to try to get more people to go to the doctor?).

Figure 12: It's never lupus

Instead, they recommend the cutest-sounding medical procedure on the books: the "buddy tape." This is the process of taping your broken toe to the toe next to it, so they can be "buddies" (I got a certified nurse's assistant to help me with this part; as far as I can recall it went something like this).

Naturally I spent the day imagining the fun times my "ring" and middle toes were having together now that they were buddies. In my mind my toes were like two adorable kittens that had been taped to one another.

Figure 12: What my full complement of left-foot toes would look like if they were five adorable kittens duct-taped together

The only downside to the buddy tape is it made it hurt less to walk, so I wasn't able to limp around and pretend I was House anymore.

Figure 12: Never forget

How I feel is how a butt feels

Man, I feel like twenty-six types and four sub-types of ass.

• I feel like a unique blend of domestic and imported butt.
  
• I feel like a towering stack of asses.
  
• I feel so much like ass that the ass I feel like feels like butt.
  
• Count the grains of sand on the shores of the mighty Pacific– so inumerable and diverse are the categories of ass that would contain my physical description.
  
• Mountains have been moved with less than the amount of ass and butt.
  
• Ass ass butt I feel like ass.
  
• Butt, and also ass, are what I feel like.
  
• I feel like ass.
  
• There are kinds of ass and butt that are good, but they are not the kinds of ass and butt that I feel like.
  
• The stack of asses that describes my feeling is so densely packed that it has become impossible to tell whether each contiguous pair of cheeks belongs to the same or to two different asses.
  
• The butts also do not smell good.
  
• Imagine a world in which there are up to twelve times as many butts as people.
  
• I feel like a butt that got shoved up inside of an asshole which itself is afloat upon a body of water I do not trust.
  
• Strangely my own ass feels fine. It is the only part of me that does not feel like it is ass at all. It is the ass that is no ass.
  
• The shape of my feelings is the shape drawn by a skilled artist rendering a line drawing of a pair of asses.
  
• In my stomach there is a family reunion. It is the family reunion of the Ass family. The Ass family is a large family and they are rude.
  
• It is my understanding that through a complicated system of inumerable pullies and levers, one man could move the heap of asses one inch in one minute.
  
• Take all the pants in all the lands of this great world, and still you will fall short of covering even half the asses I feel like.
  

I guess what I'm trying to say is I love my softball team.

Fuck cause and effect.

It's boring.

God damnit I'm getting real fucking sick of being real fucking sick

Figure 12: My meat is waxing loathsome (bottom right)


If Flegme abundance haue due limits past,
These signes are here set downe will plainly shew,
The mouth will seeme to you quite out of taste,
And apt with moisture still to overflow,
Your sides will seeme all sore downe to the waist,
Your meat wax loathsome, your digestion slow,
Your head and stomacke both in so ill taking,
One seeming euer griping tother aking:
With empty veynes, the pulse beat slow and soft,
In sleepe, of seas and ryuers dreaming oft.

I'm sick, and also I have athlete's foot real bad

God damnit. Shit. Fuck, this sucks. I feel like shit. God damnit. My foot is disintegrating, too.
Fuck.
Shit.
Damnit.


Fuck.