Monday, February 25, 2008

man, fuck chairs

They deserve the asses they get shoved in their faces all the time. Fuck chairs, man. Fuck chairs.

See this chair?

Man, fuckin' fuck this chair.

I don't want to sit in a chair.

Do you ever have that thing where you just don't feel like sitting in a chair? I mean, you want to sit, maybe even, but just not in a chair? I don't want to sit in a chair.

For example:

I don't want to sit in this chair at all.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

an apology

I don't know why I keep writing about food. I'm sorry I am doing that lately. Writing about food, I mean. I'm sorry.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Three (3) facts about the future

1. In the future, funny jokes will not have to be funny to be funny.
2. In the future, good food will not have to be good to be good.
3. The future is now.

I am bad at keeping secrets / my secret chicken noodle soup recipe

I just thought of this tonight, because I thought I might be getting sick, and so I cooked it, and it was so good it ought to be a secret. But I will share it with you.

-Boil some water and put some noodles in it (thick noodles, like those egg noodles that the Amish make, or at least fettuccini, but broken into short lengths)
-Cut up a chicken breast and put lots of pepper and some salt on it
-Cut up some garlic
-Heat up some olive oil in a pan and then fry the garlic and chicken in there until the chicken is cooked
-Take out those noodles before they cook all the way and strain them, then maybe put them back in the pot with a pad of butter and put some pepper in there
-Put some chicken or turkey broth (whichever was on sale when you bought it) in with the chicken, and also some frozen spinach.
-When the spinach starts getting unfrozen, add the Secret Ingredient: a can of Campbell's Condensed Chicken Noodle Soup (don't tell anybody; it is a secret)
-Heat that up so it simmers, and also put some spices in there (the ones you have that smell like they would taste good)
-Pour the chicken pan into the noodle pot, and put some more broth in there. Also probably some more spices. Heat it up and let it simmer a while.
-Eat a bowl of this delicious soup.
-Probably eat another bowl.
-Don't gorge yourself, though, you don't ever want to eat that much soup, ever. Save the rest. Put it in an appropriate container and hide it behind some other stuff in the refrigerator so that you forget it is in there. Then a few days later accidentally find it when you were just staring in the refrigerator wondering what to eat tonight.* Then eat the rest; it will probably be better than it was the first time.

* This is known as the "ace in the hole" technique, and also works well with cans of Stag beer (Hint-- put it behind the mustard and soy sauce and things like that that you keep in the refrigerator door, then amaze your friends when they say you are out of beer)

Monday, February 18, 2008

pringles salt and vinegar chips are holding back on me and also on you

I figured it out about them. They have researchers, you know, and they have discovered how to create the full spectrum of salt and vinegar flavor, and how to get it off the chip and into you. But then after they discovered the full spectrum of salt and vinegar flavor, they made their chips so that they are missing a little part of it. Like 15%, somewhere in the middle. They must have done tests, and they must have found that if they took off any more it just wouldn't taste like a salt and vinegar flavored chip, but if they took off any less then you could just eat a few salt and vinegar chips and be satisfied. But as it is that missing 15% makes you keep eating the pringles salt and vinegar chips, searching for that missing little bit of salt and vinegar bandwidth in the spectrum of salt and vinegar flavor. For real.

(I think how they do flavor is like how they compress and maximize pop songs so every single frequency is always maxed out. That is how macaroni and cheese is always available in new, now cheesier flavors. That is why Mr. Pibb was able to change into Pibb Xtra (as hinted at by changing "extra" to "xtra").

Did you know...
-In England they refer to the spectrum of salt and vinegar flavor as the spectrum of salt and vinegar flavour??
-Mr. Pibb has a Ph.D., but Dr. Pepper only has an M.A.? (plus it is in comparative literature)?
-Vinegar already has some salt in it?

Sunday, February 17, 2008

other varieties of food

There are certain kinds of food that do not go well with cheese. I do not recommend cutting up or grating cheese and melting it on top of this kind of food.

-example: Chinese food

another kind of melted cheese

Sometimes when you are cooking you are cooking the sort of thing where you have all kinds of food in the same pan or pot, and you are planning on putting it on a bread product, such as a tortilla or some pita bread. But it is too liquidy! Sometimes you have time to keep cooking it until it reduces down, but sometimes you want to eat it sooner. Try this simple trick:

-Cut up or grate some cheese into the pot with all the other food
-Stir it up so it melts. The melted cheese will act as a natural thickening agent.
-Put it on the bread product.
-[optional]- You can still put some grated or cut-up cheese on top and melt it, even if there was already melted cheese in the inside (may I be so bold as to recommend "cheddar" or "cut-up string cheese"?)

don't use pre-grated cheese is a scam. I think it may have wax on it, too.

melted cheese

-Get some food
-Cut up, or even grate some cheese on the food (might I recommend "cheddar" cheese? how about "swiss"? Or maybe . . . both!)
-Cook it 'til the cheese melts and eat it. It will be better than it would have been.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

if for some reason you want to hate everyone in the world...

...then go to Target on a Saturday around 11 am. Jesus Christ. Why did I do that? Now I hate everyone in the world.

Friday, February 15, 2008

the pizzarito

-Get out a big flour tortilla.
-Cut up or shred some cheese on there.
-Put a slice of leftover pizza on there, crust down (this way there is cheese on BOTH sides of the crust). (you may want to dice the leftover pizza)
-Put some hot sauce on there.
-Put some various spices and whatnot on there if you want.
-Close 'er up and cook 'er (microwave, forman grill, magnifying glass-n-sun, however)
-Eat it. It's not very good. It will make you feel lonely.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Get to know your imaginary community (part 2 of 22)

Pennsylvania Avenue: "The Virginia Avenue of the East."

This was the rallying cry of Heinrich Behrenkinder as he built the original gridwork of "Penn Ave" (as it is called) in the latter years of the 19th century. When Behrenkinder's father first moved to Baltic Avenue, there were no railroads. By the time young Heinrich came of age (back then that meant he turned eight!), the Reading was complete and ground was just being broken on the mighty Pennsylvania Railroad. Heinrich got in on the ground floor and rode that train all the way to the top. He soon owned a palatial estate on Virginia Avenue, a vantage point from which he could easily oversee the railroad operations which, by his 13th birthday, were largely under his own control. He could also see, from his rooftop, the virgin prairies of the northeast he had somehow always longed for.

Yes, many thought Heinrich crazy when he extended the Pennsylvania Railroad all the way past the Go To Jail box. Few imagined he could get anybody to live in the "emerald city" he started building there. And, indeed, Heinrich grew old and died alone, the only human resident in what we now think of as "the green properties." Rumors and theories abound-- some say he kept company with phantasms and ghosts, some say he took a shine to the native ibexes and billy goats that used to pepper the hills, some say he never really left his mansion on Virginia Avenue, but built the emerald city after losing a dare to a hobo in States Avenue, a hobo who, under the identity of Heinrich Behrenkinder, lived out his final days in opulent solitude in Pennsylvania Avenue.

Whatever happened to Heinrich, soon after his death gold and silver were discovered in the surrounding prairies. On the newly-built Short Line Railroad came prospectors, then realtors, and finally the monocled and top-hatted elite who populate the East today.

Did you know? . . .

-Pennsylvania Avenue was once called home by major-league third-baseman Corey Koskie?
-The Fruit Roll-up was invented on Pennsylvania Avenue?
-Pennsylvania Avenue briefly adopted the metric system in the 1930s?

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

why I quit doing anything else on the internet

Because now I just keep spending all my time here.

Also, my brothers and I developed a new kind of knock-knock joke (not a funny kind). Here is a prototype:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tom who?
Tom Brokaw-- not the famous one, though.

I don't want to be This Kind of blogger, but also let me tell you a sad and funny story. Well, it isn't a story really. It's just, I got my hair cut and I felt like I looked ridiculous. Then I thought I had to fart but instead I shit my pants. Just a little bit.

I'm 31 years old.