Shitty Food for Shitty People, Episode 12: APBizza

APB: Avocado, Pepperoni, and Banana. I should tell you right now: this isn't very good.

• Turn on your oven
  
• Smoosh up an avocado and a banana in a bowl with some salt and lime juice, like you were gonna make some kind of gross-ass banana guacamole or maybe like some real weird baby food or something.
  
• Take all the imitation pepperoni off a Tombstone pepperoni pizza and stack it up and cut it into smaller bits (I bet it would be even better if you used bacon instead though, maybe then it would push it over the edge of actually being pleasant)
  
• Stir those in with the gross banana and avocado paste
  
• Put that shit all on top of the pizza
  
• Try to hide the shame by grating some more cheese over top, like say some Swiss and some Cheddar or something like that.
  
• Bake it and eat some of it (you will probably get sick of it after you get 2/3 done, and then you should just probably throw the rest away, because, I mean, are you really gonna eat that? I mean, it isn't very good.)

See though, dear reader, I fucking hate bananas. I know they are so good for me so I make myself eat them, but they are disgusting and awful. So here was a way to trick me into eating them by mixing them with things I love. Because why should my nutritional decisions be based on Taste? Fuck Taste. Taste is boring and predictable. I propose the following alternatives to the outmoded idea of Taste as a decision-making tool vis-à-vis what you're gonna eat:

• Will I vomit?
  
• If so, how much?
  
• Is it cheap?
  
• Is it funny?
  
• Can I make a blog entry out of it?
  
• Will it take long enough to fill up the time I am trying to waste?
  
• And what of its nutritional value?
  
• Will it make me feel good about myself?
  
• What's it look like?
  
• How long will it make me not have to eat again for?
  
• Does it have a name that sounds cool?
  
• How fast can I eat it, in case I have to eat it really fast to get full before I fully realize it is disgusting?
  
• Is it biodegradable?
  
• Do I gotta worry about what happens on the other end of the ol' GI tract?
  
• Later on in the next day or two can I eat something that actually tastes good?
  
• What color is it?
  
• What time is it?
  
• Seriously?
  
• Fuck, gotta go, bye.