Photoshop

It'd be cool if someone photoshopped a picture of John Lennon and Paul McCartney, only instead of their usual bodies they'd have lady bodies, and they'd have elongated breasts. I mean, super duper elongated, like ten feet. And the two of them would be standing in front of a road that dead-ended in about eight feet. And then there'd be a caption underneath that said "you and I have mammaries longer than the road that stretches out ahead."

No wait, that would be stupid.

Dummmbbbbbb

Hey, dudes. What's up? What's up in the "blogosphere?" I haven't been in here in a while. Is anyone still there? I suddenly have all this leisure time but I don't want to water down my facebook post quality, so let me tell you these things here:

• I am driving around in a legal van for the first time in months. It will be hard to quit the habits of the illegal driver, though, like parking really close to the car behind you or pretending you arrived at your destination when a cop is behind you or taking the alley.
  
  
• Pet peeve: when people say night-times after midnight are the morning. For real, that drives me nuts. Night is when it is dark. Morning is when the sun rises. It's not tomorrow until the sun rises. I know it's just a little joke, but it's such a petty way of thinking in terms of technicalities. You can do it, but don't do it at me. On the radio. I will change the station. I feel that strongly about it.
  
  
• It's the same problem I have with how people in America sometimes say "an history" or when people get all up in arms about the correct use of commas. The "n" in "an" only needs to be there when the next word starts with a vowel sound. We pronounce the "h" in history, so we shouldn't say "an" before it. The comma simply denotes a pause in speaking the sentence. Say it out loud, and if you pause there, use a comma, and if you don't, don't. Especially when talking about that final "Oxford comma." Sometimes you want a pause before the last thing to emphasize it, sometimes you don't. It's not a thing where there needs to be a rule.
  
  
• I have this new food I make where I have a leftover bit of a King of the Hill sandwich (a giant Italian salami sub, for you non-STLians), which tends to get a little soggy, and cut it up into bits and put them and some pepper jack cheese in a flour tortilla and microwave it for way too long and let it cool back down. I swear to god, it is incredible.
  
  
• I also made this green curry burrito with some leftover veggie green curry with these weird ultra-dense Japanese yams and some off-brand laughing cow cheese. This one is more of a sealed-up toaster oven burrito. Unreal. The tang of the cheese and the sweetness and hotness of the curry. Yes.
  
  
• My experience with my dissertation has changed my mind about something: you can polish a turd, after all.
  
  
• Let me say here in this exciting historical time that I think this is an exciting historical time. I mean, every time is, but all these protests and shit. The next generation will ask us what it was like. It will make us feel cool.
  

Well, that's about it. Goodbye, blogosphere. I'll try to have something better for you next time.

It's a well-known fact that great ideas often occur on the shitter. Measuring mass by water displacement, Ohm's law, the flux capacitor... the list goes on and on. Today, I had a great idea on the shitter, after having one of those times where there is a hell of a lot of effort for a very small output. "Much Ado About Nothing" popped into my head, and I quickly realized that Shakespeare has provided us with a wealth of terminology for different types of shit experiences:

• As You Like It (your favorite kind)
  
• The Two Gentlemen of Verona or The Two Noble Kinsmen (two homogenous portions)
  
• Venus and Adonis, or Troilus and Cressida, or Antony and Cleopatra (two contrasting portions)
  
• The Phoenix and the Turtle (two wildly contrasting portions, one of which floats and one which took forever)
  
• The Tempest (rough seas)
  
• The Taming of the Shrew (an epic battle)
  
• All's Well That Ends Well (eventual victory)
  
• Henry VI part 1
  
• Henry VI part 2
  
• Henry VI part 3 (a three-stage hungover morning's worth)
  
• A Comedy of Errors (I've never experienced this one, but I've seen it in some gas stations; as is often the case with comedies, there is an underlying tragic nature to these ones)
  

Well, sorry to break a seven-month blog silence like this. I guess since so much of the writing I do is on the level of figurative bull's shit, I just wanted to tackle some literal human's shit.

$100 Ideas Part 12: Picture-Plain™ Boob Shirts

You know how it is, when boobed people put on a t-shirt with a design. There is warpage. I think there was even a joke about it in that movie "Stand By Me." Well, what if you custom-printed the design to correct for said warpage from an individual wearer, so that the design struck the eye as optically sitting in a straight picture plane? IMPOSSIBLE, you say? Well here's the real magic. You would send out a test t-shirt, that would just be plain white and have a grid printed on it. Then the wearer would take a photo wearing the grid T. Then I'm pretty sure you could make a computer analyze the photo and figure out like which squares of the grid got distorted and how, and adjust the image accordingly before printing it on a shirt of the same size and fit.

Don't tell me the science isn't there, people have been doing this kind of perspective thing since Leonardo, like this famous one with the anamorphic skull that only looks like a skull from way up close and to the right.

Hans Holbein the Younger's "The Ambassadors"

This also gives me some ideas about anamoprhic tattoos that would only look right from certain angles. What angles? Use your imagination.