I experienced feelings

My emotional intelligence ranks somewhere between some algae's and a baby naked mole rat's, but I read this poem once that starts off like this:

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

Picture this:
A dude talking about his feelings.
That happened to me.

more Monopoly advice

Also don't buy Water Works. It is the kiss of death. Seriously, don't. Don't buy it.

what a sucker I was...

.. but you know, that was back before I knew any better, and I didn't cut up salami and fry it up in a little bit of extra virgin olive oil, then throw in some garlic I roasted and a can of diced tomatoes and some chunk light tuna and a wedge of laughing cow cheese spread and a bunch of grated swiss cheese, then mix it with those kind of noodles that are different colors than regular noodles, then bake it with some stale Tostitos crumbled over for a crust and some extra cheese on top. Thank god I am older and wiser now. Thank God.


Figure 12: Those noodles that are different colors than regular noodles
(mine were more like fettucini, though)
(also higher resoloution)

Monopoly advice

Don't ever buy Electric Company. Ever.

If I were God (the famous one)...

Dogs in alleys would have no vocal cords, and there would be no fucking god damn pidgeons. Also I would still be sleeping.

Albert Pujols is the new Brian Wilson

...according to this hilarious post comparing baseball teams to rock bands past & present (thanks for the heads-up, Viva El Birdos).




An excerpt:

St. Louis Cardinals are The Beach Boys: The wholesome, family-friendly exterior conceals a deviant, tragic core (substance abuse, performance enhancing and otherwise; tragic deaths of key performers). Led by an authoritarian egomaniac (Tony LaRussa; Murry Wilson). One brilliant member surrounded by a rotating cast of a couple solid supporting players and a bunch of scrubs (Albert Pujols; Brian Wilson). Shocking, inexplicable late-career resurgence (2006 postseason; "Kokomo").

I have hate in my heart

It is at birds.

I offer you this humble song

I knew this guy in high school
everyone called him Steve
but Steve was really his middle name
his real first name was Jesus

Well everybody used to make fun of him
when they found out Jesus was his name
I remember I used to make fun of him too

[instrumental interlude]

Oooohh, Ooooohh
Whoa-oh-ohhhh, etc.

[electric piano solo]

Ooooh, ya, whoa-oh, etc.

Well you know, you grow up, you get more mature
your horizons grow and then sometimes
you hang out with people you used to make fun of
and go over to their house sometimes

Well I met Steve's folks once after we saw a movie
it was Halloween 4, it was ok
I shook Steve's dad's hand and he said "call me Phil,
but my real name is God

but not the famous one,
never knew my dad but I heard he was a heathen
probably just forgot to finish writing Godfrey
on the birth, on the buh-urth, on the biiiirrrth,

[whispered] certificate"

Yaaa, oooh,
[guitar]

Well they went by Steve and Phil
so people wouldn't make fun of them
but really they were Jesus and God
but not,

but nah--ot,

but naaaa-y-aaaaa-y-aaaaaaught, whoa-oh-whoa-hoh,

the famous ones...

[outro]

Now my hair looks good. Real good.

back to good ol' food again

I have three things about food:

First, a recipe:

Six Cheese pizza

-Buy yourself a Red Baron Four Cheese Pizza
-Shred two more kinds of cheese on it (how about cheddar and swiss?)


Next, a culinary tale:

I did all the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen so I could just go nuts in there with cooking, all using three different burners and having several "prep" areas. But then I couldn't decide what to cook, so I came up with an idea: Iron Chef Salami.


Figure 12: Three (3) slices of salami



See, I had some salami, real thin-sliced. I cut it up real small and put it in a pan and used it like you might use bacon or (in cooking shows) panchetta, all greasy and sizzling and ready to become the medium in which some chopped up garlic and onions get sauteed. That was the high point of my dish. It was delicious! But what are you gonna do, eat some chopped up salami garlic and onion hash? Not me. I had this stale old piece of pita bread that I toasted up crisp and crushed into crumbs, and I tried to smush up some of the salami-onion-garlic mixture and make a meatball kind of thing. It did not cohere. So instead I decided I would try to make my hash into a sauce. I wanted to "deglaze" it like in cooking shows, but there was no wine around. I used a little flat Dr. Pepper, though, because I knew for sure I needed something sweet in there to compliment the saltiness of the salami. It was delicious! So then I put in some canned tomatoes, and some mushrooms, and made it into a tomato sauce that I poured over some macaroni. That ruined it. It was not very good. So in desperation I tried to turn it into more of a casserole. I used the bread-crumby failed meatball stuff as a crust, and baked it. The texture worked, but it still tasted not so good. I ate it. There is some left over. I might not eat that.

Finally, an idea that I have:

It is called "Shitty Food for Shitty People." It is a cooking program in which some shitty person makes some shitty food, but it is shot, acted, and narrated like a real cooking show. Most of the food will never have a chance not to technically suck, but it will be funny. It will be a funny show.

Maundy; Maudlin

Catholics, man. I asked some what Maundy Thursday was, and they said it was the thursday before Good Friday. That's like if you ask someone how a refrigerator works, and they tell you you open it and put stuff in it and close it.

I was watching this history channel show about Mary Magdalene, though, and how I guess people confuse that Mary with this other Mary who was a prostitute or something. I don't know, I was mostly paying attention to the hot Mary in the reenactment, see, there was one who was hot and one who wasn't.

Then I looked up "maudlin" because I got it confused with "maundy," plus it is one of those words I just never really got around to learning. Turns out "maudlin" comes from Mary Magdalene herself, her last name that is. Because maudlin means kind of oversentimental or tearful, and I guess when they used to paint Mary Magdalene they always caught her crying (also often topless) (rumor is she was a real fox) (historical art unfairly favors breast men, get me a time machine and a petition).


Figure 12: Mary Magdalene (note breasts and mawkish* sentimentality)




"Maundy," on the other hand, comes from the same sort of stuff as "mandate" (like a command, not like taking a dude to dinner and getting him drunk), because on Maundy Thursday Jesus said "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

I'm not a religious man, but I do think that is Jesus' raddest commandment unto us, and the hardest one to keep.

I love you!


* "Mawkish" comes from a word for maggot! How about that?

Update: I no longer look like Bob Saget

I have also been told that I never really looked like him to begin with. But people often disagree with me about who looks like who. For instance:

Do you think Gary Busey looks like the bargain Nick Nolte?

Do you think Tom Selleck looks like Burt Reynolds?

If you live in St. Louis and know my roommate, do you think that orthodontist guy in those commercials for the clear plastic mouthpiece that does what braces do looks like the black version of my roommate?

Do you think the two guys with beards on Top Chef look the same?

Do you think that Brian Wilson looks like Bjorn Borg? Do you?

Do you think that kinda chubby stupid guy on that show where Charlie Sheen was the mayor's assistant looks like the dad on the Wonder Years?

Do you think Fred Willard looks like Alan Thicke?

Do you think Ramses III looks just like Thutmoses?

Do you think Charles deGaul looks just like Robespierre?

Do you think Pete Sampras looks like that kid from My So Called Life, only all grown up and more agile?

If they were all in a lineup, could you distinguish Martin Sheen, Michael Douglas, Kirk Douglas, Charlie Sheen, and Emilio Estevez? Could you?

Do you think Phillip Seymour Hoffman looks just like this kid I knew in 10th grade? Do you?


Do you? Do you think that? Do you think those things?

I think I might look like Bob Saget now

(I got my hair cut)

Ancho is the new Chipotle

Tell your friends.

I fixed my van, but it was never broken

My van broke down on the highway. Getting on the entrance ramp, it kind of lurched like it wasn't getting any fuel or something, then went normal agan, then started doing that again, then shaking a little, then it died, so I popped it in neutral and thankfully rolled far enough to get past this guardrail and pull onto the shoulder.

I got it towed. It was complicated, because I was in the middle of helping my friend move, and we were close to his old place, so that would be a cheaper place to tow it, but then again starting the very next day he would no longer live there, and neither would anyone else I know. But that's where it went anyhow.


Figure 12: My van looks like this dude's van




Over the next couple of weeks I'd go down there with my friend who knows about cars. We changed the plugs. We checked the wires. We looked for loose hoses. Our next frontier was gonna be the distributor, then maybe the fuel pump. But all the while I had this Nagging Feeling.

I put my finger on the Nagging Feeling last week. I went and got the book for my van, and was reading it, and was about to laugh and feel superior when I was going through those troubleshooting checklists that start with the most obvious things, when a few pieces of information finally gelled together, Encyclopedia-Brown-type style, in my mind. It was like this, but imagine it being said aloud in your inner monologue, which sounds like Frank Drebin, and maybe in the background there is some noir-ish jazz music:


Figure 12: Lieutenant Frank Drebin



--Fact: when the tow truck guy asked what happened, I started going into a long-winded explanation, but then realized I was boring him, so I said it basically felt just like it does when you run out of gas.

--Fact: It wouldn't run at all later that night, but the next day it ran for about a minute, and a week or so later it ran for about ten seconds, and then it wouldn't run any more after that.

--Fact: the whole week before the breakdown I'd been marvelling at the suprisingly good gas mileage I got in my old van.

--Fact: one time about a year ago I lent my van to someone who said they'd fill it with gas, then they gave it back and it said it was only a little less than a quarter full. They told me they had put $50 worth in. I drove it a while with the needle stuck there, then it went down and had worked so well since that I forgot all about it. Until now...

--Fact: Red plastic 2-gallon gas tanks are only like $4 at Target.

--Fact: But they're kind of hard to pour into your gas tank because they don't have that little hole on the other side.

--Fact: My god-damn van was just out of gas.

--Fact: I'm an idiot.

--Opinion: It was embarassing.

--Question: Can you imagine if I took it to the mechanic? That would be really embarassing.

--Fact: I'm gonna go drive my van to the barber and get a haircut once I finish this cup of coffee.