Mystery sandwich

The other night I got pretty drunk. I'm not gonna lie to you, it was kind of excessive and ridiculous. You know, that happens sometimes, if you are a man, and you like to do that sort of thing sometimes. But this night was different– I think I ate a sandwich before I went to bed, though I have no explicit memory of doing so. Here are the facts which have led me to this startling conclusion:

• Fact: I woke up the next morning with that feeling in my mouth like I must have eaten something.
  
• Fact: There was a plate with some crumbs on it on my nightstand that morning.
  
• Fact: I had a bit of salami the day before, but it was gone that morning.
  
• Fact: My hunk of Muenster cheese looked a little bit smaller that morning.
  

Now this ain't no CSI Miami kind of shit right here. I don't have no DNA tester, I don't have no saliva sample distiller, no blood type cyclotron or retinal scanner or penile plethysmograph or nothin' like that. This is some old school Encyclopedia Brown meets the Hardy Boys shit right here. What we got here is straight up Sherlock Holmes style crime-solvin'. What we got here is some primo Law and Order shit, served up hot for your pleasure.

Ladies and Gentelmen of the jury, the defendant would have you believe he didn't eat the sandwich just because "he doesn't remember eating it." Now the lawyer for the defense is gonna come out here in a few minutes, and he's gonna try to convince you that the defendant holds strong views on eating before bedtime, and the digestive troubles it can lead to, and yadda yadda yadda. He's gonna blow a lot of smoke, he's gonna try to trick you with some verbal stunts, but I remind you to keep close to the facts of the case. I know we've all seen enough courtroom dramas on TV to expect more sophisticated evidence, but ask yourself, can you really reasonably doubt that this man before you made and ate the sandwich in question? Can you? I mean, can you really? (No, you can't.)

Exhibit L: Theoretical Recipe for Alleged Sandwich
 -Take some bread
 -Put some salami on there
 -Also some cheese (the defendant allegedly used Muenster)
 -Most likely some kind of condiment as well
 -A pickle spear, dill (stricken from the record; heresay)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I ask of you this. Before you put me away, listen to my words. I stand before you today a free man, on trial not for a sandwich but for a philosophy. Let me be remembered. Let me be pitied. Let me be . . . avenged.

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