I'll be the first to admit,

I like instant mashed potatoes better than mashed potatoes.

I am sorry about this.

Shocking confessions

Here are some realizations that I came to much later than by rights I ought to have:

• That word that sounds like "shiek" and that word that is spelled "chic" don't just have similar meanings, they are the same word! (2001)
  
• It's "up and at 'em," not "up and Adam." (2000)
  
• "News" is just the plural of "new." (2007)
  
• "Specific" and "general" come from species and genera. (2009)
  
• Just as that old cheap beer called Meisterbrau is the lion of beers, the lion itself is the lion of the animal kingdom. (2003)
  
• Mickey Rooney and Andy Rooney are two completely different people. (2007)
  
• Tom Colicchio (the bald judge from Top Chef) and Andrew Zimmer (the bald dude who eats weird food) are two completely different people. (2008)
  
• The Indian dude in Short Circuit isn't Indian at all. (2006)
  

I know I have had some more hilarious ones than this. Such are the consequences of not demanding too much sense out of the world. If I should die after all please let my epitaph be "late to the party." Do this for a man who only this year finally unravelled the concepts of Judge Reinhold, Judd Nelson, and the guy who played Judge Harry Stone on Night Court.

Two tips for the attentionally challenged

People, all my life I've had this thing where I'm not very good at paying attention to stuff. "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening," while honest and heartfelt, doesn't always cut it. "Huh?" gets really annoying after you use it once or twice in the same conversation. "Mmm hmm"s and head nods can help, but can also backfire, as you may find later you've agreed to something you never even registered in the first place. Randomly switching between confused shrugs (as if to say "heh, how about that crazy shit"), "amens," and various "ssss" or "clucks" (meant to denote understanding) can sometimes work in a pinch, but can also make you come off as, well, aribitrary.

Through careful research and a lot of trial and error, I have arrived in my older age at two short phrases that can actually make sense if said in response to quite literally ANYTHING ANYONE might say, EVER.

1. "Nobody said it was gonna be easy."

2. "There's only one way to find out."

Not only do these phrases fit anywhere, but they often come off as insightful and/or hilarious.


Figure 12: Example Conversation

Dude, wanna watch the game?
-There's only one way to find out.
Wait, I can't tell if that was a yes or no.
-Nobody said it was gonna be easy.
Do you or don't you want to watch the baseball game?
-Huh?
Fuck you.
-I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention.
I'm gonna watch the game. You wanna join me?
-There's only one way to find out.
Ya, asking you. So what do you say?
-Mmm hmmm.
Cool, I'll be over in a bit.
-Wait, what?
Were you even listening to me?
-Nobody said it was gonna be easy.
[CLICK]
-(to self): Nobody said it was gonna be easy.

i'm sorry, dogs and cats I love

I lied. I was in a pissy mood and I took it out on you, dogs and cats. I like plenty of both of you kinds of animals. I guess the thing is I hold you to the same standards as a human. If you are a dog or cat and you are a dick, then I will probably think you're a dick and not like you. If you are a dog or cat and you are cool, I will think you're cool and I will like you. I will love you, even. I love a cat named Cooper, for instance, and I love a dog named Bua. I love them. I admit it. I loved a dog named Rufus who died. I cried when Rufus died. I lied. He died. I cried. I'm sorry I lied. I love you.

don't think ill of me...

...but I'm pretty sure I just plain don't really like dogs, or cats. It takes such a big heart to be a man, to be a man who tries to love and to be open to love. My heart isn't big enough to let some annoying-ass non-human creatures get all up in my face in there, especially when they also make me sneeze. No, I ain't gonna kick 'em, but no, I ain't gonna love 'em. Especially when they're dicks, too. Fuck an animal who's a dick.

Don't think ill of me. I love you.

I fixed my van, but it was never broken

My van broke down on the highway. Getting on the entrance ramp, it kind of lurched like it wasn't getting any fuel or something, then went normal agan, then started doing that again, then shaking a little, then it died, so I popped it in neutral and thankfully rolled far enough to get past this guardrail and pull onto the shoulder.

I got it towed. It was complicated, because I was in the middle of helping my friend move, and we were close to his old place, so that would be a cheaper place to tow it, but then again starting the very next day he would no longer live there, and neither would anyone else I know. But that's where it went anyhow.


Figure 12: My van looks like this dude's van




Over the next couple of weeks I'd go down there with my friend who knows about cars. We changed the plugs. We checked the wires. We looked for loose hoses. Our next frontier was gonna be the distributor, then maybe the fuel pump. But all the while I had this Nagging Feeling.

I put my finger on the Nagging Feeling last week. I went and got the book for my van, and was reading it, and was about to laugh and feel superior when I was going through those troubleshooting checklists that start with the most obvious things, when a few pieces of information finally gelled together, Encyclopedia-Brown-type style, in my mind. It was like this, but imagine it being said aloud in your inner monologue, which sounds like Frank Drebin, and maybe in the background there is some noir-ish jazz music:


Figure 12: Lieutenant Frank Drebin



--Fact: when the tow truck guy asked what happened, I started going into a long-winded explanation, but then realized I was boring him, so I said it basically felt just like it does when you run out of gas.

--Fact: It wouldn't run at all later that night, but the next day it ran for about a minute, and a week or so later it ran for about ten seconds, and then it wouldn't run any more after that.

--Fact: the whole week before the breakdown I'd been marvelling at the suprisingly good gas mileage I got in my old van.

--Fact: one time about a year ago I lent my van to someone who said they'd fill it with gas, then they gave it back and it said it was only a little less than a quarter full. They told me they had put $50 worth in. I drove it a while with the needle stuck there, then it went down and had worked so well since that I forgot all about it. Until now...

--Fact: Red plastic 2-gallon gas tanks are only like $4 at Target.

--Fact: But they're kind of hard to pour into your gas tank because they don't have that little hole on the other side.

--Fact: My god-damn van was just out of gas.

--Fact: I'm an idiot.

--Opinion: It was embarassing.

--Question: Can you imagine if I took it to the mechanic? That would be really embarassing.

--Fact: I'm gonna go drive my van to the barber and get a haircut once I finish this cup of coffee.

I don't want to sit in a chair.

Do you ever have that thing where you just don't feel like sitting in a chair? I mean, you want to sit, maybe even, but just not in a chair? I don't want to sit in a chair.

For example:


I don't want to sit in this chair at all.

full disclosure

Lest anyone get the wrong idea about me, I feel like I better make the following Embarrassing Confessions:

-I don't get what's so great about the Clash
-I think Paris Hilton is hot
-I'm starting to like the New England Patriots
-I've watched and enjoyed Project Runway
-I never saw The Warriors until last week
-Born in the USA is still my favorite Springsteen album
-I never really got Doonesbury
-I don't get what's so bad about 5150-- it's at least tied for my favorite Van Halen album
-Words can't describe the anger, sadness, and deep feeling of the world letting me down I felt when I first saw my fondest childhood memories sullied in this fucking commercial
-I still think The Wall is way better than Dark Side of the Moon
-I don't get what's so great about Sweetheart of the Rodeo
-I love Hardees Thickburgers and eat one once a week
-Sometimes when I see a commercial for a new product at Taco Bell, I get excited and get in my van and drive to Taco Bell and order the new product (even though it always ends up tasting like every other new product at Taco Bell)
-I don't get what's so great about Easy Rider
-I don't get what's so great about Bitches Brew
-For that matter, I can't seem to get into any jazz from about 1968 and later
-I don't get what's so great about Frank Sinatra

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

my giving nature

Generally I am a very giving person. But let it be known that I will not, under any circumstances, give the following:
1. A rat's ass
2. A flying fuck (in general or specifically at a rolling donut)
3. A ladybug
4. A shit, half a shit, or any fraction of a shit
5. A god-damn

Conversely, I am at all times ready to give:
1. A damn (of the non-denominational variety)
2. A hoot
3. A fuck (of the non-flying variety)

Glad we could clear that up. Thanks.