The PhD Omelet

Well, I decided to try to start working on my dissertation again, so naturally I commemorated this decision with its own omelet, the P (for Provel-style* cheese) hD (for hot dogs).

I get a lot of flack for my cavalier use of cut-up hot dogs, but I don't care. I like them. I put those shits in all kinds of stuff. I mean, in a perfect world, I'd only buy grass-fed free-range beef that had its feelings affirmed, and bacon from pigs who were read the Bhagavad-Gita daily from birth. But right now it is Spring Break, which means I make no money cuz all my students are on vacation, which means when I see a pack of shitty hot dogs at Aldi's for 81 cents, I'm going for it. If you cut 'em up and fry 'em, with some spices on there, they taste fine. In fact, if you spice them right (salt, pepper, a little chili powder, some like oregano or thyme or stuff) I'd say they are a better-tasting meat product than Dominos' sausage or the turkey in Lunchables, for instance, though still well below fried Spam or the cheaper, "off" brands of beef jerky.

So you spice-n-fry the cut up dogs, a couple of them, and then you pour in three or so eggs you whipped up pretty good and put pepper and a little salt in. The hot dogs will magically rise to the surface, and once the bottom starts solidifying, put in a slice and a half or so of your Provel-style* cheese. Hell, you know how to make an omelet. Fold that shit in half at some point, and then also flip it over, it ain't rocket science. Eat it. It's good. Especially if you put on home-made hot sauce that your friend made, if your friend is good at making home-made hot sauce and generous in sharing it.

*Provel is a registered trademark, I think maybe it always was, of Churny Company from Glenview IL, but Churny was recently bought up by Kraft, and now all the sudden when you go buy provel at DiGregorios it is called provel-style instead of provel. I wonder if Kraft stopped making provel, or if my fave deli changed wholesalers. I don't remember ever being this interested in such a boring subject. It must be that PhD omelet, focusing my mind once again on the most arcane and most over-thought details. Maybe I'd best get to a-writin'.

Cheddar & Rye

This isn't a sandwich, but a cocktail. I invented it. Last night. It goes like this:

• Buy a bottle of Old Overholt (it is the manliest looking bottle on the shelf) and an econo-sized block of sharp cheddar cheese.
  
• Put an ice cube in a cup.
  
• Pour some rye in that same cup.
  
• Break off (don't get a knife dirty for this) a pretty huge hunk of the cheese.
  
• Drink the whiskey; eat the cheese.

Figure 12: The Manliest Bottle on the Shelf

Ok, I guess it isn't a cocktail. It's just cheap rye on the rocks and a hunk of cheese. What. You got a problem with that?

The MDOAT (Most Delicious Omelet of All Time)

• Have some leftover black olive St. Louis style pizza in the fridge.
  
• Have some delicious homemade hot sauce your friend made.
  
• You probably have some eggs, right?
  
• But do you have some locally made peppered brie cheese?
  
• Dice the pizza. I cut it first into long strips, then little squares. Squares beyond compare.
  

  Figure 12: This pizza is in the process of being diced

  
  
• Cut up some brie cheese and mix it in there with the pizza.
  
• I got this idea to make it into some sort of like fritterish thing, so I also put cornmeal and a little egg in there, and tried to squeeze it into a cohesive patty, but it didn't work.
  
• So then I just put in the rest of the egg plus another egg and mixed it up and poured it into a little pan and made it into an omelet.
  

  Figure 12: It turned out so beautiful I thought I would cry; I thought I would die

  
  
• See now, what happens is the provel on the pizza melts all up and so does the brie, and the black olives are perfectly salty and well-seasoned to begin with, and the eggs go so good with the cheese, and the sauce is in there too just waiting to be complimented with some home-made hotsauce (pictured, in the jar), plus you were just hungry as SHIT before you started, so lemme tell you, dear readers, maybe it wasn't heaven but you could see it from there. You could take pictures of it.

S.F.F.S.P. Episode 12: The Tot-Rito

• Get a flour tortilla, a pretty big one, preferably one of those awesome ones I think they must make with lard or something that come in bags unmarked except with a ruler to measure the diameter.
  
• Have your roommate be just taking some onion-flavored tater tots out of the oven.
  
• Put about 10 tater tots on your tortilla.
  
• Put some ketchup, some sriracha, and some mayo on there.
  
• Microwave it for too long, in order to make the tortilla do that thing where it gets kinda dry and crunchy.
  
• It sure tasted good last night, though it may never again...

Shitty Food for Shitty People Episode 12: The Weekly Diet Edition

• Monday: make mac and cheese but stick tuna in there.
  
• Tuesday: make mac and cheese but stick tuna in there.
  
• Wednesday: make mac and cheese but stick tuna in there.
  
• Thursday: make mac and cheese but stick tuna in there.
  
• Friday: cereal
  
• Saturday: make mac and cheese but stick tuna in there.
  
• Sunday: go to Subway

Shitty Food for Shitty People Episode 12: The Dessert Edition, aka Eat Shit and Die

I went camping and had some leftover marshmallows from "S'mores" (man that is a terrible name, why is it called that, it makes me cringe to even type it). So I made some rice krispy treats, you know. Easy. Not blog-worthy. But then a few days later I realized I still had more generic rice krispies, a few marshmallows, and a chocolate bar I hadn't noticed. So in a temporary fit of over-confidence I decided to try my hand at one jumbo...

Crispy Chocolate Dooky Roll

• Melt some marshmallows and a little butter in a pot
  
• Not too much butter, now
  
• Put just a little shake of generic rice crispies in there and stir it up as smooth as you can get it
  
• DON'T just pour it on some wax paper-- I did that and regretted it
  
• DO pour it onto like a dough-rolling type surface that you have sprinkled with-- get this, this is my real innovation here-- fuckin' NON-DAIRY CREAMER, people. Seriously. It works.
  
• Roll that shit into a little shit.
  
• Meanwhile be melting the chocolate bar you found in your cupboard. Maybe add a dash of milk.
  
• Oh ya I think it seems like a good idea to put the crispy marshmallow dook into the fridge while you melt the chocolate.
  
• But then take it out and pour the melted chocolate over it, and roll it around in the chocolate to coat it.
  
• Then sprinkle a bunch of salted roasted peanuts on there, and roll it around in there so they stick all into the chocolate
  
• Put that shit in the fridge
  
• Save it for when someone special comes to visit
  
• It looks quite literally like shit. Eat it and die a happy man/woman/man-woman.

It was supposed to be like a mixture of

and Instead it turned out looking like something you'd find here. What you gonna do.

Regular generic cheerios mixed with honey nut generic cheerios

I have discovered the greatest cereal. Let me share with you this new recipe.

• Get some generic cheerios.
  
• Get some generic honey nut cheerios.
  
• Pour some of each into a bowl-- oh, half and half, I'd say.
  
• Put milk in that bowl. What kind? Get creative-- there's 2%, 1%, whole, soy, rice, goat, mother's, reconstituted powdered, anything!
  
• A spoon is recommended
  
• I am thinking of commandeering some sort of tupperware container to store this new cereal pre-mixed, since I am, as they say, "on the go."
  
• Careful research has shown generic cheerios take on more milk and exhibit a greater degree of softening/bloating behavior than do their name-brand counterparts, increasing both their refreshingness and deliciousness indices by up to 20%.
  
• However, it is literally impossible to open the inner plastic bags of generic cereal in a way that allows a controlled pour into the bowl; I for one am convinced this convenience is what you pay for when you shell out the big bucks for that ebullient bee on the label, and depending upon your baseline patience level, may just be worth it.

SFFSP Episode 12: Breakfast sandwich of the gods, if the gods ate breakfast (I have it on good authority that they do not)

• Have a barbecue where someone leaves some hamburger buns
  
• Hardboil some eggs that are pretty old but not too old
  
• Cut up an avocado and I like to squirt some lime juice on there
  
• Wash off a couple pieces of romaine lettuce
  
• Put some spreadable cheese (laughing cow or that like armenian knock-off) and some mayo (for once in my life not miracle whip but mayo) on those buns
  
• Cut up the eggs and probably hit them with some salt and pepper
  
• Put all those shits together in whatever order you see fit; I'm not one to tell a man how to stack his sandwich, that shit is PERSONAL, but for me, from top to bottom, it was like this:
  • bun
  • mayo
  • lettuce
  • eggs
  • avocados
  • cheese
• Oh my sweet lord it is delicious

Figure 12: How are you to know whether the cow, whose earrings are a packaged cheese product, is laughing at you.

The Shin Ramyun they don't want you to know about

• Get a pack of Shin Ramyun.
  
  

  Figure 12: Some of a Nearly Life-Size Pack of Shin Ramyun

• Smush up the noodles before you open it.
  
• Put them in boiling water, along with the dried vegetables.
  
• Meanwhile sautee like 1/5 of an onion in a little leftover bacon grease.
  
• Once that onion is all nice lookin' put some garlic in there too.
  
• Then here's the kicker-- get a couple eggs, a dash of that Mae Ploy sweet chili sauce, a dash of rice vinegar, and little bit of plain old barbecue sauce. Put all that in there with the onions & garlic.
  
• Oh shit forgot about the noodles, go strain them with a plate or a lid or something (can't use a collander or you'll lose the not-dried-anymore vegetable bits). Put some of the flavor packet on there now.
  
• Stir up that "omelet" all nice til the eggs are mostly cooked, then pour it in with the strained noodles and mix it around over a lil' heat til the eggs are all cooked in little slivers and bits.
  
• Probably add some more of the flavor packet too.
  
• Just eat it out of the pot in order to stay under the two-dish rule.

This meal does not taste like it cost $1.03 at all. It is more of a $4.28 taste we're talkin'.

---

--Brought to you by Shitty Food for Shitty People, Inc.

Soft boiled eggs have changed my life

Examples:

• Avocado, hard salami, cheddar, and soft-boiled egg "burritos"
  
• Hot Sopressa, provel cheese, and soft-boiled egg grilled cheese sandwiches
  
• Soft boiled egg with salt and pepper
  
• Hard-boiled egg you meant to be soft boiled but I mean who cares right
  
• Soft boiled egg just stuck in a leaf of romaine lettuce with maybe some cheese? (I haven't tried this but there is always lunch and I am out of bread products)
  

They also have such a stunning visual appearance. They make anything look like it is in a food porn magazine.

Figure 12: Soft Boiled Egg Food Porn

All thanks go to my mom who showed me how to soft boil eggs over Christmas vacation. Also, thanks mom for that time I called you about how to bake a potato and you told me to turn on the oven and put the potato in there. There's some kinds of advice you just don't forget.

Man I can't wait til I'm hungry.

Shitty Food for Shitty People, Episode 12: APBizza

APB: Avocado, Pepperoni, and Banana. I should tell you right now: this isn't very good.

• Turn on your oven
  
• Smoosh up an avocado and a banana in a bowl with some salt and lime juice, like you were gonna make some kind of gross-ass banana guacamole or maybe like some real weird baby food or something.
  
• Take all the imitation pepperoni off a Tombstone pepperoni pizza and stack it up and cut it into smaller bits (I bet it would be even better if you used bacon instead though, maybe then it would push it over the edge of actually being pleasant)
  
• Stir those in with the gross banana and avocado paste
  
• Put that shit all on top of the pizza
  
• Try to hide the shame by grating some more cheese over top, like say some Swiss and some Cheddar or something like that.
  
• Bake it and eat some of it (you will probably get sick of it after you get 2/3 done, and then you should just probably throw the rest away, because, I mean, are you really gonna eat that? I mean, it isn't very good.)

See though, dear reader, I fucking hate bananas. I know they are so good for me so I make myself eat them, but they are disgusting and awful. So here was a way to trick me into eating them by mixing them with things I love. Because why should my nutritional decisions be based on Taste? Fuck Taste. Taste is boring and predictable. I propose the following alternatives to the outmoded idea of Taste as a decision-making tool vis-à-vis what you're gonna eat:

• Will I vomit?
  
• If so, how much?
  
• Is it cheap?
  
• Is it funny?
  
• Can I make a blog entry out of it?
  
• Will it take long enough to fill up the time I am trying to waste?
  
• And what of its nutritional value?
  
• Will it make me feel good about myself?
  
• What's it look like?
  
• How long will it make me not have to eat again for?
  
• Does it have a name that sounds cool?
  
• How fast can I eat it, in case I have to eat it really fast to get full before I fully realize it is disgusting?
  
• Is it biodegradable?
  
• Do I gotta worry about what happens on the other end of the ol' GI tract?
  
• Later on in the next day or two can I eat something that actually tastes good?
  
• What color is it?
  
• What time is it?
  
• Seriously?
  
• Fuck, gotta go, bye.
  

"Pizza"

Sometimes I get into a rut of eating way too much pizza. So I didn't want to eat pizza yet again last night. It is not a taste issue, it is a principles issue. So, as often one does when one confronts a principles issue, I compromised:

• Have an old pita bread (the wheat kind called "pocket bread," not the spongy Greek kind).
  
  

  Figure 12: That kind of pita bread I am talking about
  

  
  
• Have some of that "salsa" that comes in little cans (the kind whose consistensy is homogenous and kind of like enchilada sauce, only it is tomato-based and spicy).
  
  

  Figure 12: That kind of salsa I am talking about

  
  
• Have some of that spreadable cheese I love so much.
  
  

  Figure 12: That spreadable cheese I love so much
  

  
  
• Turn on your oven to about 375-ish, about five minutes ago.
  
• Spread a wedge of that cheese on the pita.
  
• Put some fresh-ground pepper on there (it goes so good with that cheese I want them to be close together).
  
• Spread half a can or so of the salsa on there.
  
• Put as many slices as you need of delicious Provel cheese over top to cover.
  
• Sprinkle on some oregano (crush it up in your fingers as you sprinkle, so it smells good) and some, I dunno, I bet garlic powder would be good.
  
• stick in the oven until the slices of Provel look like the cheese that comes draped over the top of French onion soup (oh god damn now I am really in the mood for French onion soup), about 8 or 9 minutes, I bet.
  
• Just eat the ever-living FUCK outta that shit.

If cooked properly, this meal should cause you to fall asleep on your chair, thus missing the end of the Angels-Sox game. It's cool, that was probably the one you cared the least about anyhow, right?

a new sandwich and a new name for my balls (unrelated)

• Get a couple little French bread loaves like they make bánh mì with
  
• Get some of those frozen potstickers and fry up exactly nine of them more or less according to the instructions on the package
  
• In the meantime get a little bowl or cup out to make this sauce in:
  
  • some garlic chili paste (like in the little bowls with the little spoons in Vietnamese restaurants)
    
  • some soy sauce
    
  • some rice vinegar
    
  • some barbecue sauce
    
  • some brown sugar
• Wash off four big leaves of romaine lettuce
  
• Cut open the bread and stick two lettuce leaves in each baguette, the opposite way from each other for optimal crunch distribution.
  
• Plop four and a half potstickers in between the lettuces and pour some sauce in there. Think meatball sub.

The lettuce will act as kind of a waterproof layer to keep the sauce from dribbling all over, as long as you keep your angles in mind as you eat. The crispy crust of the bread gives way to its soft innards, slowly soaking in lettuce juice and delicious sweet and spicy sauce which has escaped its romaine dungeon, giving way as you bite through the crunchy lettuce layer, followed finally by the soft and comforting surrender of the potstickers inside. This is not just a sandwich, it is an experience.

---

My balls will now be known as "the boys of summer." Please update your blackberries and cellular phones. And, in case you were wondering, the answer is yes, my love for you will still be strong after they are gone.

Potato skins with sour cream

• Your roommate ordered some potato skins and a sandwich
  
• He's not as hungry as he thought
  
• Squeeze the sour cream out of that funny little tube with two square ends but not along the same dimension. (Who invented that thing, man, M.C. fuckin' Escher?)
  
• Damn, I didn't know this place made such bomb-ass potato skins. Daammmnnn. Thanks.
  

Here is a way to make delicious salsiccias (they are like bratwurst but I guess more Italian) while paying attention to other, more pressing matters

Figure 12: An Italian chef who is saying "Howsa you momma? Hey, I hope-a she not so pixelated as me-ah"

• either be out of charcoal, or have it be way too hot to bbq, or have a game on you want to not miss, or otherwise make it so a long unattended boil is the only type of cooking you are willing to do
  
• boil them in beer mixed with water mixed with a ton of salt and also whatever other nice spices seem like they might be good, like some cayenne pepper or some curry powder or stuff like that
  
• it will smell bad and people will make fun of you
  
• after it boils let it simmer really low for a really long time, with a lid on most of the way, through at least the final four innings of a baseball game, and preferably through a heartbreaking near-comeback after a soul-thrashing though not entirely unexpected late-inning bullpen meltdown. The stress of the game, along with the time steaming away in the pot and the brining effect of the salt, will do things to the sausages. They will not be the same.
  
• it won't smell as bad after a while. In fact, it will smell like pot roast. This is how you will know.
  
• when the game is over and it seems like they are totally all cooked, take them out and fry them in some olive oil real quick. Just to scald the skin up, not to cook them anymore; they are already cooked, see.
  
• now make a sauce by deglazing the fryin' pan with some rice vinegar, some bbq sauce, some Sriricha sauce, and some of the beer "stock." Reduce that shit down a little and drizzle it over the sausages.
  
• put them in some buns "cowboy toasted" over the range. Use some mustard if you want, but that sauce is pretty good by itself.
  

Raj Nachos

-Get some tortilla chips and put them on a cookie sheet.
-Pre-bake them if you want (it is a trick I learned from the Achewood cookbook)
-While the chips are pre-baking, tear open a pouch of Indian food like you can buy at the international food store for like $1.39 (my choice: Paneer Tikka Masala) and heat it up in a little pan.

Figure 12: My Choice

-If you are like me, you chose Paneer Tikka Masala. This is actually one of those dishes that I understand isn't even that Indian at all, but more a UK imperial choice. Like how General Tso's Chicken was invented in, like, Scranton PA. Don't feel bad for being inauthentic. It is a scientifically proven fact that oftentimes the tastes of other cultures are ridiculous and wrong, and need adjustment to be reasonable to us. Besides, you need that cheese to be the "cheese" of the "nachos." Cut the big rectangular chunks into smaller ones so they are more evenly dispersed.
-Drizzle it over the chips.
-Shit, there isn't quite enough to go around, and plus it looks kind of more solid than it ought to in order to get those chips kinda soggy like I like them.
-Oh, I know, deglaze the pan! With rice vinegar, Sriracha sauce, and barbecue sauce. Damn, that is a tasty pan sauce you just made! Now pour that over the chips too.
-Bake'em. I don't know, you probably know better than me, I guess at like four hundo for maybe ten minutes?
-Eat'em. At first they seem ok. Then they start to seem really good. Then they start to make you feel a little bit ill. Try to focus on just that part where they seem really good. Is it worth it? I don't know. Maybe. It's so hard to tell these days. We live in a world that is full of uncertainty. Seriously. There is some crazy shit that happens, like, all the time. I bet some kind of totally crazy shit is happening RIGHT NOW. I mean, shit, some dude just broke his leg outside my house when he was tightening some lug nuts and one snapped, causing his full weight to push the tire iron into his ankle, and -snap-. That shit HAPPENED. That shit is CRAZY. Are regular nachos just too regular for these CRAZY times we live in? I'm not gonna say they are for sure, but I am gonna say if you eat regular nachos you are probably BORING and WRONG, and possibly BAD AT GAMES OF CHANCE. Not to mention PREMATURELY BALDING, LACKING IN DISCIPLINE, and possibly HAVING ONE LEG SLIGHTLY LONGER THAN THE OTHER. This is to say nothing of your HAVING A PROPENSITY TO PASS GAS IN THE SELF CHECKOUT LANE and HOLDING STRANGE IDEAS ABOUT BIRDS. Do you want to be that person? Do you?

New bombshell dropped in sandwich case

Authorities recently obtained a warrant to search the defendant's wardrobe, where they found this possibly incriminating T-shirt:

Photograph 12: The Shirt

The shirt appears to be 80% cotton, 15% acrylic, and 5% "other." As of publication time authorities have not ascertained whether this is a shirt one actually might wear, or "more of novelty gift shirt," as one unnamed detective described it.

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Even Newer Evidence! Even Newer Evidence!

An unnamed attendee at the party the night of the alleged sandwich consumption turned in this excerpt he recorded "you know, to make, like, sound art and shit."

Exhibit 12, telling excerpt from the recording

       |PREVIOUSLY...|            |NEXT...|

New Evidence! New Evidence!

Found among various papers in the suspect's chambers: evidence of what one unnamed correspondent described as "a classic brainstorm sesh."

Special Exhibit XII

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Mystery sandwich

The other night I got pretty drunk. I'm not gonna lie to you, it was kind of excessive and ridiculous. You know, that happens sometimes, if you are a man, and you like to do that sort of thing sometimes. But this night was different– I think I ate a sandwich before I went to bed, though I have no explicit memory of doing so. Here are the facts which have led me to this startling conclusion:

• Fact: I woke up the next morning with that feeling in my mouth like I must have eaten something.
  
• Fact: There was a plate with some crumbs on it on my nightstand that morning.
  
• Fact: I had a bit of salami the day before, but it was gone that morning.
  
• Fact: My hunk of Muenster cheese looked a little bit smaller that morning.
  

Now this ain't no CSI Miami kind of shit right here. I don't have no DNA tester, I don't have no saliva sample distiller, no blood type cyclotron or retinal scanner or penile plethysmograph or nothin' like that. This is some old school Encyclopedia Brown meets the Hardy Boys shit right here. What we got here is straight up Sherlock Holmes style crime-solvin'. What we got here is some primo Law and Order shit, served up hot for your pleasure.

Ladies and Gentelmen of the jury, the defendant would have you believe he didn't eat the sandwich just because "he doesn't remember eating it." Now the lawyer for the defense is gonna come out here in a few minutes, and he's gonna try to convince you that the defendant holds strong views on eating before bedtime, and the digestive troubles it can lead to, and yadda yadda yadda. He's gonna blow a lot of smoke, he's gonna try to trick you with some verbal stunts, but I remind you to keep close to the facts of the case. I know we've all seen enough courtroom dramas on TV to expect more sophisticated evidence, but ask yourself, can you really reasonably doubt that this man before you made and ate the sandwich in question? Can you? I mean, can you really? (No, you can't.)

Exhibit L: Theoretical Recipe for Alleged Sandwich
 -Take some bread
 -Put some salami on there
 -Also some cheese (the defendant allegedly used Muenster)
 -Most likely some kind of condiment as well
 -A pickle spear, dill (stricken from the record; heresay)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I ask of you this. Before you put me away, listen to my words. I stand before you today a free man, on trial not for a sandwich but for a philosophy. Let me be remembered. Let me be pitied. Let me be . . . avenged.

                                    |NEXT...|