The PhD Omelet

Well, I decided to try to start working on my dissertation again, so naturally I commemorated this decision with its own omelet, the P (for Provel-style* cheese) hD (for hot dogs).

I get a lot of flack for my cavalier use of cut-up hot dogs, but I don't care. I like them. I put those shits in all kinds of stuff. I mean, in a perfect world, I'd only buy grass-fed free-range beef that had its feelings affirmed, and bacon from pigs who were read the Bhagavad-Gita daily from birth. But right now it is Spring Break, which means I make no money cuz all my students are on vacation, which means when I see a pack of shitty hot dogs at Aldi's for 81 cents, I'm going for it. If you cut 'em up and fry 'em, with some spices on there, they taste fine. In fact, if you spice them right (salt, pepper, a little chili powder, some like oregano or thyme or stuff) I'd say they are a better-tasting meat product than Dominos' sausage or the turkey in Lunchables, for instance, though still well below fried Spam or the cheaper, "off" brands of beef jerky.

So you spice-n-fry the cut up dogs, a couple of them, and then you pour in three or so eggs you whipped up pretty good and put pepper and a little salt in. The hot dogs will magically rise to the surface, and once the bottom starts solidifying, put in a slice and a half or so of your Provel-style* cheese. Hell, you know how to make an omelet. Fold that shit in half at some point, and then also flip it over, it ain't rocket science. Eat it. It's good. Especially if you put on home-made hot sauce that your friend made, if your friend is good at making home-made hot sauce and generous in sharing it.

*Provel is a registered trademark, I think maybe it always was, of Churny Company from Glenview IL, but Churny was recently bought up by Kraft, and now all the sudden when you go buy provel at DiGregorios it is called provel-style instead of provel. I wonder if Kraft stopped making provel, or if my fave deli changed wholesalers. I don't remember ever being this interested in such a boring subject. It must be that PhD omelet, focusing my mind once again on the most arcane and most over-thought details. Maybe I'd best get to a-writin'.

Cheddar & Rye

This isn't a sandwich, but a cocktail. I invented it. Last night. It goes like this:

• Buy a bottle of Old Overholt (it is the manliest looking bottle on the shelf) and an econo-sized block of sharp cheddar cheese.
  
• Put an ice cube in a cup.
  
• Pour some rye in that same cup.
  
• Break off (don't get a knife dirty for this) a pretty huge hunk of the cheese.
  
• Drink the whiskey; eat the cheese.

Figure 12: The Manliest Bottle on the Shelf

Ok, I guess it isn't a cocktail. It's just cheap rye on the rocks and a hunk of cheese. What. You got a problem with that?

I'll be the first to admit,

I like instant mashed potatoes better than mashed potatoes.

I am sorry about this.

The MDOAT (Most Delicious Omelet of All Time)

• Have some leftover black olive St. Louis style pizza in the fridge.
  
• Have some delicious homemade hot sauce your friend made.
  
• You probably have some eggs, right?
  
• But do you have some locally made peppered brie cheese?
  
• Dice the pizza. I cut it first into long strips, then little squares. Squares beyond compare.
  

  Figure 12: This pizza is in the process of being diced

  
  
• Cut up some brie cheese and mix it in there with the pizza.
  
• I got this idea to make it into some sort of like fritterish thing, so I also put cornmeal and a little egg in there, and tried to squeeze it into a cohesive patty, but it didn't work.
  
• So then I just put in the rest of the egg plus another egg and mixed it up and poured it into a little pan and made it into an omelet.
  

  Figure 12: It turned out so beautiful I thought I would cry; I thought I would die

  
  
• See now, what happens is the provel on the pizza melts all up and so does the brie, and the black olives are perfectly salty and well-seasoned to begin with, and the eggs go so good with the cheese, and the sauce is in there too just waiting to be complimented with some home-made hotsauce (pictured, in the jar), plus you were just hungry as SHIT before you started, so lemme tell you, dear readers, maybe it wasn't heaven but you could see it from there. You could take pictures of it.

S.F.F.S.P. Episode 12: The Tot-Rito

• Get a flour tortilla, a pretty big one, preferably one of those awesome ones I think they must make with lard or something that come in bags unmarked except with a ruler to measure the diameter.
  
• Have your roommate be just taking some onion-flavored tater tots out of the oven.
  
• Put about 10 tater tots on your tortilla.
  
• Put some ketchup, some sriracha, and some mayo on there.
  
• Microwave it for too long, in order to make the tortilla do that thing where it gets kinda dry and crunchy.
  
• It sure tasted good last night, though it may never again...

Shitty Food for Shitty People Episode 12: The Weekly Diet Edition

• Monday: make mac and cheese but stick tuna in there.
  
• Tuesday: make mac and cheese but stick tuna in there.
  
• Wednesday: make mac and cheese but stick tuna in there.
  
• Thursday: make mac and cheese but stick tuna in there.
  
• Friday: cereal
  
• Saturday: make mac and cheese but stick tuna in there.
  
• Sunday: go to Subway

Shitty Food for Shitty People Episode 12: The Dessert Edition, aka Eat Shit and Die

I went camping and had some leftover marshmallows from "S'mores" (man that is a terrible name, why is it called that, it makes me cringe to even type it). So I made some rice krispy treats, you know. Easy. Not blog-worthy. But then a few days later I realized I still had more generic rice krispies, a few marshmallows, and a chocolate bar I hadn't noticed. So in a temporary fit of over-confidence I decided to try my hand at one jumbo...

Crispy Chocolate Dooky Roll

• Melt some marshmallows and a little butter in a pot
  
• Not too much butter, now
  
• Put just a little shake of generic rice crispies in there and stir it up as smooth as you can get it
  
• DON'T just pour it on some wax paper-- I did that and regretted it
  
• DO pour it onto like a dough-rolling type surface that you have sprinkled with-- get this, this is my real innovation here-- fuckin' NON-DAIRY CREAMER, people. Seriously. It works.
  
• Roll that shit into a little shit.
  
• Meanwhile be melting the chocolate bar you found in your cupboard. Maybe add a dash of milk.
  
• Oh ya I think it seems like a good idea to put the crispy marshmallow dook into the fridge while you melt the chocolate.
  
• But then take it out and pour the melted chocolate over it, and roll it around in the chocolate to coat it.
  
• Then sprinkle a bunch of salted roasted peanuts on there, and roll it around in there so they stick all into the chocolate
  
• Put that shit in the fridge
  
• Save it for when someone special comes to visit
  
• It looks quite literally like shit. Eat it and die a happy man/woman/man-woman.

It was supposed to be like a mixture of

and Instead it turned out looking like something you'd find here. What you gonna do.

Regular generic cheerios mixed with honey nut generic cheerios

I have discovered the greatest cereal. Let me share with you this new recipe.

• Get some generic cheerios.
  
• Get some generic honey nut cheerios.
  
• Pour some of each into a bowl-- oh, half and half, I'd say.
  
• Put milk in that bowl. What kind? Get creative-- there's 2%, 1%, whole, soy, rice, goat, mother's, reconstituted powdered, anything!
  
• A spoon is recommended
  
• I am thinking of commandeering some sort of tupperware container to store this new cereal pre-mixed, since I am, as they say, "on the go."
  
• Careful research has shown generic cheerios take on more milk and exhibit a greater degree of softening/bloating behavior than do their name-brand counterparts, increasing both their refreshingness and deliciousness indices by up to 20%.
  
• However, it is literally impossible to open the inner plastic bags of generic cereal in a way that allows a controlled pour into the bowl; I for one am convinced this convenience is what you pay for when you shell out the big bucks for that ebullient bee on the label, and depending upon your baseline patience level, may just be worth it.

Recent revelations and sub-revelations

• Adults shouldn't have to say words like "panini," "sammy," or "yummy."
  
• If you think you're good enough, maybe you'll be just that. If you think you aren't, maybe you can be great.
  • Here are the particular memories which have led me to this startling conclusion:
    • When I tried out for the track team in 10th grade I was sprinting, and then suddenly for the first time ever asked myself if I could go any faster, and found out that I could, a lot.
    • When I was in 4th or so grade I was in music class and was singing along all bored when I realized by controlling my throat and mouth I could actually sing the actual pitches I had theretofore falsely imaginined myself to be singing.
• Somehow every previous time I listened to Bach's St. Matthew's Passion I just thought it was "pretty good."
  • Bach, as I have recently been told, as paraphrased by me, said writing invertible counterpoint was easy-- he would just talk to God and write down the conversation.
    • Bob Uecker, on the other hand, said catching a knuckleball is easy-- all you have to do is wait until it stops rolling and pick it up.
    • Charlie Lau, on the other other hand, said there were two theories on hitting the knuckleball, but unfortunately neither of them works.
• Doing the dishes is actually pretty easy, plus then you have something clean to put your food on.
  • Example: eggs.
• The right music, editing, and narration can make you feel sorry for planemos that have been kicked out of their solar systems by gravitational conflicts.
  • "...They're by themselves" -- a real honest-to-God scientist, not some wistful poet.
  
  

SFFSP Episode 12: Breakfast sandwich of the gods, if the gods ate breakfast (I have it on good authority that they do not)

• Have a barbecue where someone leaves some hamburger buns
  
• Hardboil some eggs that are pretty old but not too old
  
• Cut up an avocado and I like to squirt some lime juice on there
  
• Wash off a couple pieces of romaine lettuce
  
• Put some spreadable cheese (laughing cow or that like armenian knock-off) and some mayo (for once in my life not miracle whip but mayo) on those buns
  
• Cut up the eggs and probably hit them with some salt and pepper
  
• Put all those shits together in whatever order you see fit; I'm not one to tell a man how to stack his sandwich, that shit is PERSONAL, but for me, from top to bottom, it was like this:
  • bun
  • mayo
  • lettuce
  • eggs
  • avocados
  • cheese
• Oh my sweet lord it is delicious

Figure 12: How are you to know whether the cow, whose earrings are a packaged cheese product, is laughing at you.

The Shin Ramyun they don't want you to know about

• Get a pack of Shin Ramyun.
  
  

  Figure 12: Some of a Nearly Life-Size Pack of Shin Ramyun

• Smush up the noodles before you open it.
  
• Put them in boiling water, along with the dried vegetables.
  
• Meanwhile sautee like 1/5 of an onion in a little leftover bacon grease.
  
• Once that onion is all nice lookin' put some garlic in there too.
  
• Then here's the kicker-- get a couple eggs, a dash of that Mae Ploy sweet chili sauce, a dash of rice vinegar, and little bit of plain old barbecue sauce. Put all that in there with the onions & garlic.
  
• Oh shit forgot about the noodles, go strain them with a plate or a lid or something (can't use a collander or you'll lose the not-dried-anymore vegetable bits). Put some of the flavor packet on there now.
  
• Stir up that "omelet" all nice til the eggs are mostly cooked, then pour it in with the strained noodles and mix it around over a lil' heat til the eggs are all cooked in little slivers and bits.
  
• Probably add some more of the flavor packet too.
  
• Just eat it out of the pot in order to stay under the two-dish rule.

This meal does not taste like it cost $1.03 at all. It is more of a $4.28 taste we're talkin'.

---

--Brought to you by Shitty Food for Shitty People, Inc.

You ever try and use this shit? Fucking impossible.

Soft boiled eggs have changed my life

Examples:

• Avocado, hard salami, cheddar, and soft-boiled egg "burritos"
  
• Hot Sopressa, provel cheese, and soft-boiled egg grilled cheese sandwiches
  
• Soft boiled egg with salt and pepper
  
• Hard-boiled egg you meant to be soft boiled but I mean who cares right
  
• Soft boiled egg just stuck in a leaf of romaine lettuce with maybe some cheese? (I haven't tried this but there is always lunch and I am out of bread products)
  

They also have such a stunning visual appearance. They make anything look like it is in a food porn magazine.

Figure 12: Soft Boiled Egg Food Porn

All thanks go to my mom who showed me how to soft boil eggs over Christmas vacation. Also, thanks mom for that time I called you about how to bake a potato and you told me to turn on the oven and put the potato in there. There's some kinds of advice you just don't forget.

Man I can't wait til I'm hungry.

Where'd the muse go / askphilhartmansballs.com

I usually write about funny things I cooked, but I am on a boring-ass streak of just cooking good food that is not that unusual.

I usually draw a shitty comic strip during the class I TA, but classes have ended for the season.

I usually write about new names I've come up with for my balls, but lately they haven't changed in character enough to warrant it.

I guess instead I will tell you about the idea for a website I got way back around 1996 or so, in the precipitous uprise of the world wide web. It was a time when people still used Gopher to get on those weird not-quite-internet internets, and when I would type my emails through Telnet on a completely text-based system called Pine. It was a time when if you wanted to download a porn video, it would take about a half hour and be like ten seconds long. It was a time when people used a lot of flashing text, when horrible fanfic sex stories (smurfs, brady bunch, etc.) were forwarded in wide circles, it was before much advertising, before Flash, before firefox, it was the era of Netscape Navigator and every other person having an aol account. It was in this environment that I conceived of askphilhartmansballs.com. The idea was simple: a blank page with a crudely drawn picture of Phil Hartman's balls, which you would click as you thought of a question. Then the balls would reply in the style of a magic eight-ball, probably using the exact same set of responses: Yes, No, Outlook foggy, Ask again later, etc. That's it. No other features, no explanation.

Twelve or so years later, I think I have the skills to make that site. But now I don't want to. Isn't it a conundrum about wanting and time? About wanting what you get and getting what you want? About wanting what you want, even?

Signs point to yes.

Shitty Food for Shitty People, Episode 12: APBizza

APB: Avocado, Pepperoni, and Banana. I should tell you right now: this isn't very good.

• Turn on your oven
  
• Smoosh up an avocado and a banana in a bowl with some salt and lime juice, like you were gonna make some kind of gross-ass banana guacamole or maybe like some real weird baby food or something.
  
• Take all the imitation pepperoni off a Tombstone pepperoni pizza and stack it up and cut it into smaller bits (I bet it would be even better if you used bacon instead though, maybe then it would push it over the edge of actually being pleasant)
  
• Stir those in with the gross banana and avocado paste
  
• Put that shit all on top of the pizza
  
• Try to hide the shame by grating some more cheese over top, like say some Swiss and some Cheddar or something like that.
  
• Bake it and eat some of it (you will probably get sick of it after you get 2/3 done, and then you should just probably throw the rest away, because, I mean, are you really gonna eat that? I mean, it isn't very good.)

See though, dear reader, I fucking hate bananas. I know they are so good for me so I make myself eat them, but they are disgusting and awful. So here was a way to trick me into eating them by mixing them with things I love. Because why should my nutritional decisions be based on Taste? Fuck Taste. Taste is boring and predictable. I propose the following alternatives to the outmoded idea of Taste as a decision-making tool vis-à-vis what you're gonna eat:

• Will I vomit?
  
• If so, how much?
  
• Is it cheap?
  
• Is it funny?
  
• Can I make a blog entry out of it?
  
• Will it take long enough to fill up the time I am trying to waste?
  
• And what of its nutritional value?
  
• Will it make me feel good about myself?
  
• What's it look like?
  
• How long will it make me not have to eat again for?
  
• Does it have a name that sounds cool?
  
• How fast can I eat it, in case I have to eat it really fast to get full before I fully realize it is disgusting?
  
• Is it biodegradable?
  
• Do I gotta worry about what happens on the other end of the ol' GI tract?
  
• Later on in the next day or two can I eat something that actually tastes good?
  
• What color is it?
  
• What time is it?
  
• Seriously?
  
• Fuck, gotta go, bye.
  

Dear would-be guacamole makers who don't have any lemon or lime juice but DO have some frozen lemonade concentrate,

Listen: I had an avocado, and some chips, so naturally I figured I'd make me a little guac. Now I know everybody's got a way to make it, but for me it is mainly a matter of avocados and salt. Sure, if I have some garlic I'll put that in there, some cilantro or some sour cream or even some tomatoes or onions or something. But I had none of that on hand. The one thing I thought I did have was some lemon or lime juice, which I like for guacamole, because it makes it not turn brown so fast (I think maybe this has to do with.. science...?). This is where my terrible mistake happened. I had no lemon juice, but I had a little lemonade concentrate in the freezer (you know, to make lemonade with). I thought, sure, it's sweet, but it also has lemon juice, right? So if I just use a little it won't be so bad?

Fuckin' WRONG, my friends. That shit tasted like lemon cupcakes. It was so gross, even my pride (which makes me eat just the most awful shit if I'm the one who cooked it) made it so I could only dip like four chips in there and tell myself it wasn't that bad before myself was like, it IS that bad, and I just threw that bullshit away.

DON'T DO IT.

Sincerely,
Matty Lite

Dear Burrito from Saturday afternoon,

I will be the first to admit, I went into this with some trepidation. I mean, I knew I had this empty feeling, I knew I needed something to help me feel whole again. But I've been hurt before, and consider myself in a somewhat fragile state after being run through the wringer just last night. So forgive me if I seemed less than enthusiastic when you first suggested yourself to me this evening. Please don't take it personally. As the late, great Billy Joel (wait, what's that? He's not dead? Well, you know what I mean.) once sang,

I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself
Hold on to your heart
Now I know the [burrito] that you are
You're wonderful so far
And it's more than I hoped for

I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to [eat] you for [about seven minutes]

Sincerely,
Matty Lite

"Pizza"

Sometimes I get into a rut of eating way too much pizza. So I didn't want to eat pizza yet again last night. It is not a taste issue, it is a principles issue. So, as often one does when one confronts a principles issue, I compromised:

• Have an old pita bread (the wheat kind called "pocket bread," not the spongy Greek kind).
  
  

  Figure 12: That kind of pita bread I am talking about
  

  
  
• Have some of that "salsa" that comes in little cans (the kind whose consistensy is homogenous and kind of like enchilada sauce, only it is tomato-based and spicy).
  
  

  Figure 12: That kind of salsa I am talking about

  
  
• Have some of that spreadable cheese I love so much.
  
  

  Figure 12: That spreadable cheese I love so much
  

  
  
• Turn on your oven to about 375-ish, about five minutes ago.
  
• Spread a wedge of that cheese on the pita.
  
• Put some fresh-ground pepper on there (it goes so good with that cheese I want them to be close together).
  
• Spread half a can or so of the salsa on there.
  
• Put as many slices as you need of delicious Provel cheese over top to cover.
  
• Sprinkle on some oregano (crush it up in your fingers as you sprinkle, so it smells good) and some, I dunno, I bet garlic powder would be good.
  
• stick in the oven until the slices of Provel look like the cheese that comes draped over the top of French onion soup (oh god damn now I am really in the mood for French onion soup), about 8 or 9 minutes, I bet.
  
• Just eat the ever-living FUCK outta that shit.

If cooked properly, this meal should cause you to fall asleep on your chair, thus missing the end of the Angels-Sox game. It's cool, that was probably the one you cared the least about anyhow, right?

Provel cheese

I was at an Italian grocery store today because a.) I got paid and b.) I wanted a salami sandwich real bad. I didn't wanna fuck around with no lettuce or tomatoes and shit, just some salami, some Miracle Whip, and some cheese of some kind. So I got me some salami and some bread like usual, and then I had to decide what cheese. You gotta understand that a.) they have like fifty kinds of damn cheese at this place and b.) I had to ask this super-hot young lady to slice it up for me. So I was a little embarassed that of all these cheeses, the one I found myself craving was fuckin' Provel. I mean, PROVEL?!?! I never even heard of Provel until I moved to St. Louis. It's sort of a real mushy, real mild white processed cheese I'd put between a.) Velveeta and b.) American in texture and kind of just neutrally cheese-like in taste. At first my only experience of Provel was of the Oh-My-God-What-The-Fuck-Is-Wrong-With-Your-Pizza-Here variety. But I gradually came to love that mushy cheese on the almost matzo-like crust of St. Louis-style pizza from places like a.) Imo's or b.) Cecil Whittaker's (who, by the way, have a fuckin' awesome logo that for some reason I totally love):

Figure 12: Cecil Whittaker's Awesome Logo

Well damned if today I just didn't want some lightly toasted Italian bread (that real buttery kind with the sesame seeds on the crust) with a slice of Provel slapped on there right when they came outta the toaster so it would mush up nice, then some salami and a slather of Miracle Whip. God damn, people. God damn. To you doubters: try it before you knock it. To you provel-lovers: I am with you. To the hot young lady at the deli counter: I love you.

a new sandwich and a new name for my balls (unrelated)

• Get a couple little French bread loaves like they make bánh mì with
  
• Get some of those frozen potstickers and fry up exactly nine of them more or less according to the instructions on the package
  
• In the meantime get a little bowl or cup out to make this sauce in:
  
  • some garlic chili paste (like in the little bowls with the little spoons in Vietnamese restaurants)
    
  • some soy sauce
    
  • some rice vinegar
    
  • some barbecue sauce
    
  • some brown sugar
• Wash off four big leaves of romaine lettuce
  
• Cut open the bread and stick two lettuce leaves in each baguette, the opposite way from each other for optimal crunch distribution.
  
• Plop four and a half potstickers in between the lettuces and pour some sauce in there. Think meatball sub.

The lettuce will act as kind of a waterproof layer to keep the sauce from dribbling all over, as long as you keep your angles in mind as you eat. The crispy crust of the bread gives way to its soft innards, slowly soaking in lettuce juice and delicious sweet and spicy sauce which has escaped its romaine dungeon, giving way as you bite through the crunchy lettuce layer, followed finally by the soft and comforting surrender of the potstickers inside. This is not just a sandwich, it is an experience.

---

My balls will now be known as "the boys of summer." Please update your blackberries and cellular phones. And, in case you were wondering, the answer is yes, my love for you will still be strong after they are gone.