People, I have found a new technique for making a hot sandwich of exemplary texture.

• Get a tortilla.
  
• Put some ham on there.
  
• Also half a sliced up avocado.
  
• Also some sliced up cheese (I used Muenster).
  
• Maybe some salt and pepper in there too.
  
• Roll it all up, like a "wrap."
  
  --now here's the kicker--
  
  
• Microwave it for a little.
  
  -But Matt, won't it get soggy?
  -Yes, it'll feel low. It'll get a little soggy and droopy. Also the cheese will melt.
  -Noooooooooo!
  -It's ok, because get this: once it's droopy, it'll sit flat. Then you can
  
  
• Put it on a big flat pan or griddle, turn the burner all the way up, put a plate on top of it to kind of smoosh it down, and like cauterize it forever into that droopy flat shape on each side.
  
  -Now will it feel low?
  -Not at all.
  -Huh?*
  -Put a cork in it, sandwich philistine. See, 'cuz the cheese will already be melted so you won't have that thing happen where you toast the bread part before you ever melt the cheese part. Instead you'll have a perfect amount of crispiness on the outside and meltiness on the inside.
  
  
• Maybe you should dip it in some of your regular mustard mixed with your roommate's jalapeño mustard.
  
• Maybe you should pry it open and stick a pickle spear in there.
  
• Maybe you should make two of 'em. I mean what else you gonna do with that half an avocado? Those things don't last too long once you open them.
  

* in the style of the interchange between the lead singer and the rest of the band right before each chorus of Television's Venus.