Mr. Gold and Mr. Mudd

Townes Van Zandt's Mr. Gold & Mr. Mudd interpreted for your pleasure:

The wicked King of Clubs awoke
it was to his Queen he turned
his lips were laughing as they spoke
his eyes like bullets burned
the sun's upon a gambling day
his Queen smiled low and blissfully
let's make some wretched fool to play
plain it was she did agree

Pretty clear so far. The king of clubs is a dick, and his wife is a bitch. They are really excited to fuck some poor fucker over.

He sent his Deuce down into Diamond
his Four to Heart, and his Trey to Spade
three Kings with their legions come
preparations soon where made
they voted Club the days commander
gave him an army face and number
all but the outlaw Jack of Diamonds
and the Aces in the sky

Here we learn more about the world in which the dick and bitch monarchs of Clubs reside. There are four kingdoms corresponding to the four suits, each with their own Kings and Queens, and each with a social order below that more or less follows the ladder up from Two to Jack. The Aces are something like gods or angels though, and we learn that the Jack of Hearts is not a willing member of this ordered society.

So the asshole King sends his lowest three servants out to the three other kingdoms as messengers, and soon enough the other Kings come over, with all their servants, to help carry out this bitch-ass plan to fuck a poor fucker. They are so into this cruel idea they form an army for the asshole King consisting of all the royals ('face') and lower servants ('number') from the three other suits, and this in addition to all the Clubs who are already under the Asshole King's command. By the end of this verse, then, we know that the Asshole King has at his beck and call 47 of the 52 cards in the deck-- all of 'em but the four ethereal Aces and the outlaw Jack of Diamonds.

He give his Sevens first instructions
spirit me a game of stud
stakes unscarred by limitation
'tween a man named Gold and man named Mudd

Apparently in this world Sevens can do magical things, like create scenarios out of the blue. I love the order here: first the cards exist, then the game is created (five card stud), then the terms (no betting limit), and finally the players. Ass-backwards, and rightly so, since the real protagonists here are the cards, not the men.

Club filled Gold with greedy vapors
'til his long, green eyes did glow
Mudd was left with the sighs and trembles
watching his hard earned money go

The Asshole King has some kind of greed poison he gives to Mr. Gold. Mr. Mudd is a sorry fucker.

Flushes fell on Gold like water
Tens they paired and paired again
but the Aces only flew through heaven
and the Diamond Jack called no man friend

Flushes and pairs of tens are easy for the Asshole King to make happen with his huge army of cards. But so far in all the games (we start to realize it isn't just one game of stud, but a whole night of stud) there's been nary an Ace (they don't follow the laws of men) and no Jack of Hearts (he doesn't follow the laws of men either).

The Diamond Queen saw Mudd's ordeal
and began to think of her long lost son
she fell to her knees with a mother's mercy
and prayed to the angels every one

Her long lost son is the outlaw Jack of Diamonds. He is nowhere to be found, and she misses him, so she prays to the angels...

The Diamond Queen, she prayed and prayed
and the Diamond angel filled Mudd's hole

...and the angels are the Aces! The Diamond Ace heard the Diamond Queen's prayer and started this last fateful game by coming down and being Mudd's hold card (five-card stud is one down followed by four up).

the wicked King of Clubs himself
fell in face down in front of Gold

So Mr. Gold has the Asshole King in his hole. This is the makings for a high-betting game-- since there are only five cards and no wilds, a King or Ace in your hole is a great start whether or not you pair it up later.

now three Kings come to Club's command
but the angels from the sky did ride
three Kings up on the streets of Gold
three Fireballs on the Muddy side

The Asshole King gets his cronies to be the next three cards. But remember, the Diamond Queen prayed to the angels, every one-- she has called and they have answered ('fireballs' is some poker slang for Aces). So now is where it starts getting really awesome. You gotta think in terms of who knows what. Mr. Mudd already knows he will win this hand. The only hand that can beat four Aces is a straight flush, which Mr. Gold obviously doesn't have, since he has three Kings showing. To Mr. Mudd, then, it doesn't matter at all what Mr. Gold has in his hole, and it doesn't matter at all what comes up as the final card.

Mr. Gold, however, is feeling pretty good too. Really good, in fact. He knows he has four Kings, and the only way Mudd is beating him is if Mudd has another Ace-- very very low odds. Yet he knows that Mudd doesn't know he has the fourth King. All filled with his greedy vapors he is probably beside himself at what a perfect hand he has with which to bleed his opponent.

The Club Queen heard her husband's call
but Lord that Queen of Diamond's joy
when the outlaw in the heavenly hall
turned out to be her wandering boy

The fifth and final cards: the Bitch Queen joins her Asshole King and his cronies on Gold's side, and in a surprise twist, the outlaw Jack joins all those Aces of Mudd's-- the answerers and the answer to the Diamond Queen's prayers all in the same 'heavenly hall.' In this verse not much changes with the human drama between Mr. Gold and Mr. Mudd. If anything, Gold is relieved Mudd didn't get an Ace. The drama in this verse is with the cards-- the mean-ass Bitch Queen standing by her mean-ass bitch man, and the humble and penitent Diamond Queen getting all she ever hoped for. Also the direct juxtaposition of the outlaw and the angels is some classic Townes poetry, two different ways not to be part of this humdrum world of Kings and Queens and their legions.

Now Mudd he checked and Gold bet all
and Mudd he raised and Gold did call

Nice poker move by Mudd. He checks, which pretty much tells Gold he doesn't have that Ace. So of course Gold bets all, figuring he's got it made. That opens the opportunity for Mudd to raise, and Gold I guess is too stupid or too proud to imagine the reality, maybe he thinks Mudd is bluffing, maybe he's too 'pot-comitted,' maybe it's the effects of those greedy vapors, who knows, but he calls, and apparently he calls with a smile on his face, not even considering the possibility that this sorry fucker is playing him...

and the smile just melted off his face
when Mudd turned over that Diamond Ace

...but this sorry fucker is playing him.

Now here's what this story's told
if you feel like Mudd you'll end up Gold
if you feel like lost, you'll end up found
so amigo, lay them raises down.

Here it gets kind of sinister, because now that the humans' and cards' revenge stories are wrapped up, we get to the narrator of the song. On the surface it seems like he's just Greek chorus-style wrapping up an inspirational story about reversing your bad fortunes. But Townes Van Zandt was a ramblin' gamblin' kind of guy, and this story is just the sort of myth he'd want his poker opponents to believe so they'd keep playing him even when he was handing back out their asses to 'em right and left.